“Church-Hopping”

life was never confusing for her
she stumbled threw it quite easily
having never known “right”
she never noticed wrong
until that one day

as she looked at her kids
she wondered what to do
so they wouldn’t turn out like her

frantically
she searched within
to find out what was missing
but it wasn’t what
it was “Who”

God had not been sought

of course that was it!
without Him
life had been full of drugs
alcohol
cussing
and more

but how does one get God for her kids?
thus began the “church-hopping”
she’d hopped enough bars in her lifetime
now to the houses of God

one by one she sat
until finally at rest
but as she tried to ‘get God for her kids’
she ran into Him herself
but it took a while
for her to step INTO His heart

comfort was a place in chaos
love had been a place in bed
honor and respect were never spoken
and peace had been torment

how do you grow out of hell that’s normal
how do you receive a life void of drama
if wrong seems right
then right will seem wrong

eventually
Good prevailed in her heart
and what once was lost
has been recreated in time
never to be misplaced again

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“Thanksgiving”

there’s so much to be grateful for
I just don’t know where to begin

I’m grateful for knowing God
not in a surface way
but in a deep, profound way

I’m grateful for my beautiful kids
how they make decisions
apart from codependency

I’m grateful for my wonderful job
that feels like a way of life
except that I clock in and out

I’m grateful for this home
the imperfections
and the perfectness

I’m grateful for my mind
that it’s set in the right direction
and thinks soundly

I’m grateful for my Raiders car
that after 253,000 miles
it’s still going strong

I’m grateful for each moment of the day
how it happens right on time
but unexpectedly

I’m grateful for emotions
and that I’m not judged by them
or for having them

I’m grateful for transparency
that I no longer have to hide within myself
or lie to make me greater

I’m grateful for a lot of things
but most of all for God
because He’s made me complete

“The After Life”

those who pass away
live on in your heart
and cross your mind
every day

when I make coffee
I think about Lee
when I snap my fingers
I think about Rob
when I iron
I think about Lee
when I see the bay
I think about Rob

multiple times
every day
they cross my mind
as if they’re walking around up there

“Another Holiday”

Happy Easter, Everyone!!
4/16/17

Easter
a day I thought I’d be a mess
without my boys
but last week
something changed
I realized there’s someOne
so much more important
than my kids
and that One is God

and when I focus on Him
my emotions don’t go crazy
when I focus on Him
my circumstances seem small
when I focus on Him
I see He’s the same

no matter where my kids live
no matter how my marriage’s going
no matter what’s going on
no matter who’s in front of me
no matter when life takes a turn
He stays the same

and when I focus on Him
my purpose is steadfast

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“Katie”

[written 1/12/17]

in just a moment
you’ll never know
what you mean to me
because
what you mean to me
doesn’t have words
only actions

it’s the way you smile
when you find something funny
and the way you move
when you laugh

it’s the way
you pull your hair back
exposing your perfect profile
for my view

it’s the long talks we’ve had
and the tears we’ve shared
it’s the friendship that’s grown
through Ariel’s birth

it’s the way I can speak to you
without any words
and the way you reply
in the same

imagining life
without you near
is like imagining a dance
without a song

no one really knows
what we’ve been through
and no one really knows
what we’re GOING to
but we do

and amidst it all
there’re so many good things
to look forward to

the long phone calls with laughter and tears
the video chats staying face to face
the recipe swaps making meal creations
the game apps
the letter writing
the times in thought

all those things wouldn’t appear
unless you disappeared
so farewell
and always know
you’re at home in my heart

Salt, Death, and Flight

***

“you won’t find her flag
caught up or down the escalator
she’s gone
dancing in heaven”

That was a poem from my dream, written by Katie about me. It was a horribly, sad dream.

In it, I’d been trying like crazy to organize a trip for me, Katie, and Ariel, and all the packing was up to me.

After rushing like crazy to leave for the airport, Katie refused to go with me.

We were in this huge apartment building with many floors, that had the appearance of a mall. From one floor above, I saw her just sitting at a table, refusing to move. I hollared for her to hurry, but she just sat there and dumped (what looked like) five pounds of salt on the floor.

I was so angry.

As I went down to talk to her, she vanished, and I was left, standing in the salt, reading this poem she wrote. And all of a sudden, I realized the poem was about me and saw that no one could see me. At that moment, I realized I was dead.

***

Right then, the alarm woke me up. So badly, I wanted to fall back asleep and have a do-over for a new dream, a new memory, but I couldn’t, so I got up, crying.

It reminded me of this woman in recovery. She’s seen the pain I’ve gone through with Nathan leaving, and every time I see her, she asks how I’m doing with it.

Then, she asks about Katie, “Has she changed her mind yet about leaving?”

I always reply, “No, she’s still leaving.”

Then, she says, “What’re you going to do?? That’s gonna kill you!”

I often wonder why she says that but haven’t mentioned anything. Evidently, I dreamt about it.

Tired of Goodbyes

On Sunday, I quit drinking coffee, but the reason may surprise you.

The “thought” to quit came to me on Saturday night at The Prelude. I was listening to the music, watching Katie with Ariel, and decided I wanted to be “awake” for the next two months, so I can be aware of every moment with them, and I knew the best way to be “awake” would be to get coffee out of my system.

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You see, Katie and Ariel will be moving back to San Diego near the end of January, and at the moment, that devastates me. Through moving here, God’s really given us a relationship that we’ve never had before, a closeness that we’ve never experienced, so for her to be leaving feels like it’s crushing my heart (or what’s left of it anyway).

For good reasons, she wants to leave: she wants Ariel to be close to her father and vice versa (something Katie’s never had); she wants to make a relationship work with Ariel’s dad and, maybe, continue building a family; she wants to enjoy the climate where she lives and, actually, have a life outside, which is nearly impossible to do here (in the summer anyway); and she wants to live in a happy, loving home, which we’ve been unable to create here (yet (but still trying)).

It’s all very frustrating, but it’s part of life…THIS life anyway, and one way of “coping” with this is to stop drinking coffee, so that my body’s natural adrenaline will carry me through each day AWAKE because I’m tired of missing my kids when they’re gone and don’t plan on missing them (anymore) while they’re still here.

My physical family keeps getting smaller.

If you want to COMMENT that God’s “removing” my kids for any particular reason, SAVE IT BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT!