mastectomy

When mourning is normal

| Laura Lee Bonde

Writing is my escape.
It’s how I get through things.
And yet, it’s been hard for me to write.

You see, when I write, I’m honest, and it’s hard for me to be honest with what I’m going through, with how I’m feeling.

Kyle posted something on my FB today that reminded me it’s okay to feel what I feel, as I navigate through this battle with cancer.

While I’m on hold, I considered going back to work, but to be honest, it’s difficult to even get out of bed, and when I do, I can’t seem to get off the couch.

On Monday, when I found out there was more cancer in my breast, I sank even deeper in sadness because I know what this means.

Last week, the doctor told me that he could not leave my breast on if they found more. It would be too hard for him to get it all cut out and still leave a breast, so I know what this new result means.

On Monday, I had a couple breakdowns. I know I’ll be okay. I know God’s got me. I know it’s “just a boob.” And I also know that it devastates me.

Lately, I feel like every time I talk about how I’m feeling, people try to bring me up, but if I’m always lifted up, I won’t be able to work through what I’m feeling, so I’ve kept quiet because I feel like I need to mourn.

I’m mourning the loss of my breast.
I’m mourning the loss of my muscle.
I’m mourning the loss of who I thought I would always be.

A common thing I hear is “don’t let it change you,” but I don’t know how to stop it. I feel like I’m already changing. Will I get my “me” back? We’ll have to wait and see.

I’m talking with the plastic surgeon.
I’m waiting for the cancer surgeon.
And I’m going to go bug the oncologist today because I want answers.

It’s in those hidden places where fear creeps in. I mean, look at the coronavirus. People don’t know, so they’re freaking out. It’s kinda like what I’m going through. Welcome to my new normal.

Now, it’s a mastectomy…

| Laura Lee Bonde

Well, last Wednesday, I was in the hospital, waiting for the lumpectomy surgery, but when the surgeon came in, he had different news for me.

He told me radiology discovered other areas in my right breast that raised concerns. He said, if these areas were cancerous, he would need to do the mastectomy.

Before leaving the room, he asked me to consider which option I wanted: a mastectomy and be flat; a mastectomy and have an implant; a mastectomy and have muscle/fat transferred from another area of my body. Then, he left.

That same day, I had a stereotactic biopsy done. On Monday, those results came back cancerous. Now, I wait to see the surgeon on Monday.

More waiting. My favorite.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at. So, it’s hard for me to be honest about this part, but since hardly anyone visits this site, I’ll be honest here.

I have the most sensitive nipples. They’ve brought me much enjoyment through my life, and my right one is the most sensitive. To lose this sensitivity seems an added sadness right now.

To carry on through life without that enjoyment seems devastating to me. I used to be a sex addict. Or at least, I was addicted to finding my worth through sex. I’m not that way now, but sex is definitely important to me, which brings me to another thing.

There’s a part of me that wants to have sex right now before my body changes, but I don’t have anyone in my life to do that with. It may sound silly, but the other day, it was a very heavy thought.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at with all of this. And, with everything going on in my right breast, it makes me wonder about my left one. Is it possibly to only have it in one? I guess we’ll find out.

 

 

From my oldest son…

| Laura Lee Bonde

Mom,

You are happy. Correction you are happiness. You create happiness for so many people around you. The influence you have is spread wide, and your love fills the hearts of so many people. Cancer will not define you; beating cancer will impact you. You will be stronger. You will be brighter. You will be able to impact more people than we ever thought. And yet; you will be Laura, you will be Mom, you will be you still. Negative emotions are apart of this just as they are in life but don’t let that make you think less of yourself. You deserve to feel all the emotions that come with it. There’s no need to fight it. We all know you will be stronger(again not sure how that’s even possible) so just go ahead and laugh. We all need your laugh.

I love you.