A Different Kind of Mother

Not everyone
had this loving support
from a mother growing up

No, there are some moms out there
who did only one thing…give birth
yet that’s the most important thing needed
to create a possible legacy

Yesterday, I heard this really good sermon
about being nurtured through childhood
yet a couldn’t relate
it was a beautiful sermon for others though

But the similarities were hidden
in the mother I am today
I’ve become “my own” through God
and I love all my kids very well

Each one thinks they’re my favorite
because each knows how special they are
to me and to God

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I’m Back…

Just so you know, this post’ll have a lot of emotion, so if you don’t want to “feel,” scroll on.

I’m tired: I’m tired of hiding my website; I’m tired of hiding from certain people on Facebook; I’m tired of a lot of things, but as I sit here in tears, unable to stop, I’ll write because that’s how I get through things best. Continue reading

My Son Turned 14 on 4/17/2017!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Nathan!! I know you won’t see this, but my heart doesn’t care, so I’m posting it anyway.

I’m so proud of you and miss you immensely!
There’re times when I think you’ve made the smartest decision out of all of us.
There’re times when I wonder how life will go on.
There’re times when I rage inside because you’re growing up without me.
There’re times when I rage inside because I’m growing up without you.
My bones miss your laughter.
My muscles miss your hugs.
My heart misses your smile.
But even though we’re far apart, you still turned 14!!
And even though we’re far apart, I’m still breathing.
I love you!

[Photo credit: Kyle, from the movie theater on 4/16/17]

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Rain in Every Aisle

Every once in awhile, I get in shutdown mode, and lately, that’s where I’ve been. You wanna know what’s funny: usually, advice gets me there. Anyway, last week was…how should I word it…tough? Yeah, tough, but Friday evening ended up the night for Scott and I to start Christmas shopping, but it didn’t go well. Continue reading

Tired of Goodbyes

On Sunday, I quit drinking coffee, but the reason may surprise you.

The “thought” to quit came to me on Saturday night at The Prelude. I was listening to the music, watching Katie with Ariel, and decided I wanted to be “awake” for the next two months, so I can be aware of every moment with them, and I knew the best way to be “awake” would be to get coffee out of my system.

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You see, Katie and Ariel will be moving back to San Diego near the end of January, and at the moment, that devastates me. Through moving here, God’s really given us a relationship that we’ve never had before, a closeness that we’ve never experienced, so for her to be leaving feels like it’s crushing my heart (or what’s left of it anyway).

For good reasons, she wants to leave: she wants Ariel to be close to her father and vice versa (something Katie’s never had); she wants to make a relationship work with Ariel’s dad and, maybe, continue building a family; she wants to enjoy the climate where she lives and, actually, have a life outside, which is nearly impossible to do here (in the summer anyway); and she wants to live in a happy, loving home, which we’ve been unable to create here (yet (but still trying)).

It’s all very frustrating, but it’s part of life…THIS life anyway, and one way of “coping” with this is to stop drinking coffee, so that my body’s natural adrenaline will carry me through each day AWAKE because I’m tired of missing my kids when they’re gone and don’t plan on missing them (anymore) while they’re still here.

My physical family keeps getting smaller.

If you want to COMMENT that God’s “removing” my kids for any particular reason, SAVE IT BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT!

“Make Away”

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a mother makes a way
for her kids to follow
even a path
for others to walk on

watchful
peaceful
aware of her surroundings
ready to protect
from those who harm

full of love
and understanding
wanting to need
and needing to want

the one who is single
is too much for many
but the one who is single
will provide

all the love that is needed
all the hope that is wanted
all the joy from the bond
of a mother and child

Out of the Box

When I was drinking, I used to make Hamburger Helper A LOT, so much so that the kids (and others) were “sick” of it, but as I sobered up, I learned to cook, and the times I made Hamburger Helper were few and far between, and almost every time we’ve had it, it’s been at Nathan’s request but only of a certain kind.

For as long as I can remember, Nathan’s loved the cheeseburger macaroni one, so I, always, associate it with him. Well, tonight, Scott made it for dinner, and I ALMOST made it through without crying…almost.

Near the end, I broke down, and I’ll be fine if I NEVER eat the cheeseburger Hamburger Helper again. I miss him so much and doubt it will ever stop.

“Missing Persons”

every day
I break down
at least once

there’s been this sense of
lack
of responsibility

one less mouth to feed
one less child to wake
less clothes to wash
one less attitude to correct
one less

clearly I found
part of my identity
in being a mom

so if you find that part of me
let me know