poetry

“had she known…”

| Laura Lee Bonde

She has unknown trauma that was triggered by unspeakable acts
Trauma she thought she had worked through yet lingered in the depths of her soul

There it was, staring her in the face from the inside, clawing at her memories and what was happening around her

There was nowhere to run
Nowhere to hide
The only way to move forward was to push through

One by one, they ravaged her like animals
Like SHE was an animal
Forced to enjoy what was never planned out

At any moment, it would end (or so she thought)…but it didn’t

The door kept opening
Everything kept happening
In the dark

How could she end up here and be who she was? How could she be worth so little? Or maybe this was what she wanted

Maybe the trauma was calling it, feeding it, putting up with it until…it was done

The degrading
The disrespect
The question “how did you like it”

Finally, it was over, the words came out in tears, her worth stripped away with her dignity. All that was left was a lesson

“The Color Of My Skin”

| Laura Lee Bonde

I’m white, so I don’t know what you’re going through
but I know I care
anything I say won’t matter
so I’m not sure what I can do

if I could live my life as a black woman
to show you that I care, I would
but it doesn’t work that way

I’m not sorry I’m white
but I’m sorry some people are racist
I’m sorry people use power against others
I’m sorry death is a result
I’m sorry for your pain

nobody asked to be born a certain way
we’re just thrown into this game called life
it seems to me that peace would be a win
but how do we get there?

if you look through history
riots brought on change
change that was needed
for some, it’s the only way to be heard
for others, we may never know

every moment of life is a part of history
just some moments leave a lasting effect
I wonder what kind of changes
these moments will make

“Contentment”

| Laura Lee Bonde

you know what I’ve realized?
I’m normal for “me”
no one can walk through this
like I am
and I can’t walk through it
like anyone else

we’re all different
all
unique

I’m grateful for my ups and downs
because I’m learning to work through them
the challenge I have
is to “feel” without judging myself

easier said than done

my poor counselor
I feel like he keeps having to repeat himself
but it seems like in between seeing him
I forget
but today
he said I’m doing much better!

my walk is mine
my look is mine
my nature is mine
and I’m pretty happy with it

“Buried Alive”

| Laura Lee Bonde

March 7, 2020

Where is she? Have you seen her?
I know she’s there

I see her face all over Facebook
Laughing
Smiling
Brightening the day
But I can’t find her

Have you seen her?

I don’t think she’s lost
Just buried
Buried beneath the pain and worry
Buried beneath the fear of not knowing
Buried beneath the sadness
Smothered beneath the breakdowns

Maybe she needs to break down
Before building back up
Maybe every tear that falls
Unearths another part of her

I’m hoping this hasn’t changed her
I’m hoping she’ll bounce right back
Because I miss her
She’s the me in me
That’s missing

“Glue”

| Laura Lee Bonde

March 5, 2020

Holding it together on the outside
While falling apart the inside
Wearing a smile that you hope is believable

Some call it faking.
Some call it working.
Some will never notice.

If you’re really living life
There’s no time to sulk and isolate
But that’s when it gets tough

The world expects you to be okay
God’s wants you to be raw
Otherwise, He’d have empty bottles

“How To Shrink Cancer”

| Laura Lee Bonde

March 2, 2020

when I woke up this morning
I realized how much bigger
God was than cancer
and it gave me such peace

that peace beyond understanding

I don’t have all the answers
to all my questions
but that doesn’t matter
the only thing that matters is

who God is and what He’s done

He never changes
He never turns away
He never lets go
He’s God

and I know He’s here
every step of the way

even the horrible ones

this past week and a half
my mind’s been consumed
with thoughts of cancer
so much so that it drained me

today, I barely thought about cancer
oh trust me
I had discouragement in my day
but none of it was from cancer
and that’s huge to me

today, God grew in my eyes
and cancer shrank

there’s no guarantee that I will win this fight
and there is no guarentee that I won’t
but as I let God go before me
I know I’m in good hands

to live is gain
and to die is gain
only some will understand

“Fear”

| Laura Lee Bonde

February 27, 2020

I love it when friends encourage me to be real, to come out of my hiding places, so here’s a little “real” for you!

I’m scared.
I’m scared of this forever journey.
I’m scared of taking my teeth out for surgery.
I’m scared of my boob changing shape.
I’m scared of talking to the oncologist about radiation.
I’m scared of what I’ll hear.
I’m scared of how my looks might change (again).
I’m scared I might be disappointing God by being scared.

There. There are my fears.

Every day, I feel anxiety, but I don’t want to take medicine, so I breathe through it, pray, change my thoughts, and face my fears.

I know it will be okay. I know I have plenty more to do in this world. I know I’ll get through this because I’m in God’s heart.

And yet, I still get scared.