I Might Have Cancer

Well, this morning’s biobsy was another adventure.

At first, they couldn’t find anything. They had the measurements but couldn’t see anything. While they went to discuss things, I was left in the room and cried.

You know what? Crying is normal and so is sadness. My counselor has been coaching me on how to feel sadness without shame or guilt, so this morning, I felt sad and cried.

I knew God was with with me and always will be, but in those moments of self and fear, I seem to feel deeply.
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“The Three Hour Cry”

no matter what you do
life gets messy
if you’re living it

people come and go
friends live and die
kids stay and leave

it just…
this life stuff

but I’ve had friendships
that molded my future
and changed my life

I’ve experienced love
that inspired me to BE more
to live more

I’ve grown into the mom
that I wanted to be
that I was meant to be

and along the way
I’ve learned more and more
of who I’m not

being true to myself
has led me to confidence
and seeing my beauty

staying one with God
has lifted me through the toughest times
and the deepest griefs

His Oneness guides me
to love deeper
without walls

and every day
brings a chance to learn
what makes you smile

and today I learned
greasy food and chocolate
feed grief well

“Salty Lunch”

let me describe part of yesterday to you

Katie at the sink doing dishes
Scott in the living room holding Ariel
Carolyn in her room
and me at the kitchen table eating some lunch and crying

the only thing holding me back
from writing that poetry
are the comments being made
how I should only speak positive

if you only knew I had a calling
to write the rawness of what’s real
but then again
would you believe me?

so to not write would be listening
to man
and to write
would be listening to God

but then I have moments of doubt
of course
because part of my listening seems “off”
since I’m so sad

how do you lie through a life
saying everything’s okay
when inside most of the time
you’re on the verge of tears

how many people lose their life
and those around them ‘didn’t see it coming’
when asked how they were doing
did they simply “i’m fine”?

if honesty is so healing
why do people say to hide it?

when I write I release
and walk away lighter
with a clearer mind

when I don’t write
I seem to lose the battle
until I write

a wife without a husband
a mom without a child
a silence without laughter
are only memories and imaginations

“I’m Raining”

maybe I’m not writing so much
because life’s seems so depressing
and I write about life

even today
writing about Katie
now I can’t stop crying

does anyone care to realize
how this feels?
I know I’m “supernatural” and shouldn’t “feel”

but I DO

and I feel deeply
every word
every look
every silence
every laughter

every hug
every child
every moment

I feel

On the Edge

You ever have those moments when all you want to do is write, yet nothing comes out? (sigh) I do. Lately, I have those moments A LOT, and for some reason, it hurts my heart. How can you tell? …the tears running down my face.

So, today, my writing may be out-of-sorts (if it comes “out” at all).