When I write, I feel. I write “because” I feel, and right now, I’m not feeling so hot, and I know, for me, how God comforts me as I write, so I’m going to lay it all out.

If you don’t want to read about tears, I suggest you move on because as they run down my face, I’ll explain my heart.

Since two thousand and nine, I’ve been involved in a ministry called “JC’s Girls:” an adult entertainment industry that reaches out to women in the sex industry to let them know how God loves them right where they’re at.

Because of my past as a stripper and prostitute, it was perfect for me to heal and to be there for others, and back then, many others would come. (See, I’ve already slowed down on crying!)

Anyway, between ten and thirty women used to show up for the bible studies, some of us would go out on outreaches, and every year there’d be an amazing Christmas party…

and then I took over.

Last year, I was asked to lead the ministry, and after prayer, I heard God tell me yes, so I stepped into this calling. Immediately, attendance dropped, which I was aware of because God had warned me, but it’s been almost two years, and still…barely anyone comes.

At first, some women seemed eager to help, but since…have stopped coming. The clubs in San Diego have closed their doors on us, so we haven’t been able to go on outreach for a couple months. And about a Christmas party…why even have one when no one shows up.

There’s just some things I don’t understand, and this one’s got me.

Trust me, the ministry’s still going, but it’s more one-on-one: men and women reach out to me through Facebook, email, or text, and I help them as God leads, but it feels like no one’s supporting the ministry like before, which tempts me to compare, which causes me to cry, which…(sigh).

I feel myself closing up, now. Maybe fear of judgment…maybe… I don’t know. Regardless, when my heart closes, I refuse to force words, so I’ll end this. What matters to my heart may not matter to yours, but thanks for reading (if you did).