“I’m Raining”

maybe I’m not writing so much
because life’s seems so depressing
and I write about life

even today
writing about Katie
now I can’t stop crying

does anyone care to realize
how this feels?
I know I’m “supernatural” and shouldn’t “feel”

but I DO

and I feel deeply
every word
every look
every silence
every laughter

every hug
every child
every moment

I feel

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Tired of Goodbyes

On Sunday, I quit drinking coffee, but the reason may surprise you.

The “thought” to quit came to me on Saturday night at The Prelude. I was listening to the music, watching Katie with Ariel, and decided I wanted to be “awake” for the next two months, so I can be aware of every moment with them, and I knew the best way to be “awake” would be to get coffee out of my system.

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You see, Katie and Ariel will be moving back to San Diego near the end of January, and at the moment, that devastates me. Through moving here, God’s really given us a relationship that we’ve never had before, a closeness that we’ve never experienced, so for her to be leaving feels like it’s crushing my heart (or what’s left of it anyway).

For good reasons, she wants to leave: she wants Ariel to be close to her father and vice versa (something Katie’s never had); she wants to make a relationship work with Ariel’s dad and, maybe, continue building a family; she wants to enjoy the climate where she lives and, actually, have a life outside, which is nearly impossible to do here (in the summer anyway); and she wants to live in a happy, loving home, which we’ve been unable to create here (yet (but still trying)).

It’s all very frustrating, but it’s part of life…THIS life anyway, and one way of “coping” with this is to stop drinking coffee, so that my body’s natural adrenaline will carry me through each day AWAKE because I’m tired of missing my kids when they’re gone and don’t plan on missing them (anymore) while they’re still here.

My physical family keeps getting smaller.

If you want to COMMENT that God’s “removing” my kids for any particular reason, SAVE IT BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT!