“Conscience”

there’re some times
when I just feel damaged
I know it’s not true
that’s why I call it a feeling
but man
does it catch me offguard
and cause so many tears

who was I?
who am I?
is who I am caused by who I was?
is who I was covered by who I am?

listen to when I say
these are just moments
but as I was praying through this one
I felt called to write

since God hasn’t blessed me with NO memory
I’m stuck to deal with what comes my way
and this morning
as it was coming my way
I asked someone from my past
what was I like?
because honestly
I don’t remember much good

what comfort it brought me
to hear some good
but at the same time
I still felt damaged
but that’s when I trust
His word to wash my mind
as my tears wash my face

“Dream Chaser”

dreams
they come and go in the night
and seem lost in the day

how does one hold onto their dream?
encouragement
but where does that come from?
other people

but what if
those other people
are only focused on THEIR dreams

well then it stops

and that’s where each person’s left
to support their own dream
and that’s where passion fades
and competition rises

“A Song” or the beginning of one

through it all
You never lost my vision
through it all
You never left my side
through it all
You welcomed each beginning
through it all
You held my hand inside

how close is Your love
how strong is Your friendship
how bold is Your faith
to believe in me

how weak are my endings
how fragile is each beginning
but every step
You’re here with me

holding on
to everything You’ve done
holding on
to everything You’ve said
holding on
to truths I cannot see
holding on
to You who’s holding me

“Response Ability”

throughout life
you’ll encounter people
who may not know who they are
and as they speak to you
they’ll tear you down
with words looks and actions
but if you live your life through God’s heart
even as they tear you down
He’ll be rebuilding

it’s who He is
it’s what He does

and in every moment of pain
you’ll have the chance to decide
will you react in fear
or will you respond in love

Warning: personal post about a health issue…

Have you ever felt something pass through your intestines? Well, I believe I have on more than a few occasions, and each time, it causes severe pain, dizziness to the point of passing out, loss of vision, etc. Well, let me explain what happened to me yesterday.

Katie had been sick, so Scott and I went to Sprouts for her, which was almost an hour away. As we were leaving the store, I had this familiar abdominal pain and thought, “Oh, no! Not now. Katie needs these groceries,” so I ignored the slight pain and moved on. Uhm…not the best decision. Continue reading

Be Your Own Coach!

For the past few weeks, I’ve been running, and at first, I’d carry my phone to time it on this coaching app, but then I thought about it, “If “time” doesn’t matter, why am I carrying my phone to keep track of it?””, which led me into deeper thought.

With the app, it would tell me things like “speed up” or “slow down” or “watch your breathing,” and I realized it was encouraging me, which is why it’s probably called a coaching app, but in reality, “I” want to be my OWN coach, so that anytime, anywhere, with or without technology, I’ll have my coach with me, and so it began.

Well, today was the first day I DIDN’T carry my phone, and man, what a difference it made!

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First of all, my hands were FREE, so I didn’t have to focus on NOT dropping my phone. It may not sound like much, but I could tell a big difference.

Then, as I was running, at different times, I’d pick up the pace considerably, pushing my body to do more than it expected, and guess what? IT COULD DO IT! But the most impressive part of coaching was what I controlled my mind to do.

During my run, I didn’t have ONE negative thought. I never thought about being tired or being out of breath or circumstances in life, etc. Do you know WHY I didn’t have any negative thoughts? Because I didn’t ALLOW myself to. We’re to CONTROL our thoughts, and while I exercise my body, I train my mind what to think. I may “sound” crazy, but I’m FREE, and that’s all that matters!

Of course, I did look at the time when I left and when I got back, and even though I wasn’t technically “faster,” I felt stronger and more empowered and can’t WAIT to apply in my life all that I’m learning when I run because everything I learn in the physical trains me to be stronger in the spiritual (if I listen).

Time can be Damaging

This is my experience only. I’m not a therapist or a counselor or a doctor of any sort. I’m just a woman who’s gone through some things, so I might as well write about one of them.

“Relationships take work.” I’ve heard that so many times and even more so since I’ve been married, and I can tell you from this past year: yes, relationships take work, but if you’re the only one working, it won’t last very long.

Let me put it to you this way: if you have a close friend who never talks to you, even if you meet with them face to face them every day, do you think your “close” friendship will last?

The answer is NO because friendships require vulnerability, vulnerability requires openness, and openness requires talking. These are the raw ingredients needed to have a very healthy relationship.

Talking about what’s going on inside your heart and mind tears down walls that may be protecting you from being known, and being known is what brings people close.

In my life right now, I have someone who never talks to me. I tried and tried to explain the damage it had been creating, but they couldn’t seem to hear or listen, and now…now, it’s too late. Hopefully, in time, we’ll become friends again, but for now, it’s like we’re nothing.

What hurts my heart the most is that I KNOW how good relationships can be. I KNOW the beauty and the nurturing that comes from it, but you can’t MAKE anyone understand as you do, and in this case, the understanding may never come.

Finally, I’m at a point in my life where I’m unwilling to settle. Life is SO worth living and experiencing and enjoying, but I guess each enjoys it in their own special way.