Author: Laura Lee Bonde

MD Anderson v. Harlingen

| Laura Lee Bonde

March 1, 2020

MD Anderson, it’s the best hospital in the nation for cancer care, and they accepted my insurance, but I chose not to go there, and here’s why.

MD Anderson is located in Houston. Away from my kids. Away from my friends. Almost away from love.

The thought of traveling there, staying in a hotel, and doing tests all over again did NOT sound appealing AT ALL.

When I saw the surgeon, I told him about MD Anderson, and he assured me that everything they do there will be done here. My surgeon is Dr. Dhevan, one of the nicest men. I fully trust him with my life. His office referred me to an oncologist they trust.

Dr. Sarhill is my oncologist. I’ve heard one amazing thing about him and one negative thing. When I told the nurse that, she said, “Wherever you go, you’re gonna hear a negative, but let me tell you: If my kids had cancer, I would only want them to see Sarhill.” I fully trust that!

Dr. Movva is my primary physician. He’s the one that been making eveything happen so fast. My mammorgram was on January 21, which isn’t too long ago. Since then, I’ve had an MRI, a biopsy, a consultation with the surgeon, and now it’s all happening the second week of March. That seems pretty remarkable!

Mr. Ramos is my counselor. Yesterday, he found out what I’m going through and asked to see me every week through March, so he can help me process it all. I’m forever grateful God led me to him.

Yes, I truly believe I’m in good hands in Harlingen and can’t wait to spread the news of positive results! My medical team, mixed with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, my family, my friends, my recovery group, my church, my counselor is what will carry me through.

There’s a reason I’ve been sober over 14 years without a relapse. I really believe it’s because I create support groups wherever I go.

“Fear”

| Laura Lee Bonde

February 27, 2020

I love it when friends encourage me to be real, to come out of my hiding places, so here’s a little “real” for you!

I’m scared.
I’m scared of this forever journey.
I’m scared of taking my teeth out for surgery.
I’m scared of my boob changing shape.
I’m scared of talking to the oncologist about radiation.
I’m scared of what I’ll hear.
I’m scared of how my looks might change (again).
I’m scared I might be disappointing God by being scared.

There. There are my fears.

Every day, I feel anxiety, but I don’t want to take medicine, so I breathe through it, pray, change my thoughts, and face my fears.

I know it will be okay. I know I have plenty more to do in this world. I know I’ll get through this because I’m in God’s heart.

And yet, I still get scared.

Hidden

| Laura Lee Bonde

every time I think I’ve found me
she’s gone again
and then I’m challenged
to be the me that people see
but what does that look like?

at times, I break down crying
tired of moving forward
but won’t stand still
is that the me they wanna see?

at times, I act as if nothing’s wrong
hiding inside so no one will see
what I’m thinking
what I’m feeling
how I’m doing
is that the me they wanna see?

at times, I think I’m silly
for ever worrying about anything
that the me I’m supposed to be
shouldn’t do that
is that the me they wanna see?

I used to wake up smiling
ready to tackle the day
now, I just stare at nothing
and wonder how I’ll get up
is that the me they wanna see?

when I think about me
I think about God
and how deep inside His heart I am
that’s the me that everyone sees

but she feels
she doubts
she cries
she disconnects
she wonders
she overcomes
she loves
all inside His beautiful heart
where she finds herself
every day

Tunnels

| Laura Lee Bonde

there’s light
there’s always been light
it just seems like some tunnels
are longer than others

when I think back
as I’ve gone through stuff
I’ve always felt through it
and that’s been okay

there’re some super supernatural folks
who calmly walk
through the valley of death
seemingly unscathed
but some people feel out loud
all the way through

that’d be me

but I’m glad I feel
and I’m glad I write
because unbeknownst to me
my writing sometimes touches people
in their innermost being
in places only God could see
until now

I think it’s okay to get mad and frustrated
I think it’s okay to be scared
yet the words ‘fear no evil’
prove me wrong
yet I’m still a little freaked out

but through it all
I never think of drinking
I don’t want anxiety meds
heck, I don’t even want sex
the counselor ruined that for me
he taught me my worth
so now I’ll be picky

I know I’m not alone
I know God is with me
I know many are praying
maybe that’s why I’m crying
and breaking down in mid thought
because I’m surrounded by love
in the midst of fear

Radiation

| Laura Lee Bonde

Well
I had a pretty intense
falling apart moment
one that made everything
seem wrong

I’m scared
I’m unsure
I feel lost
yet I know where I’m going
I feel like I wanna cry
on God’s lap
but “feel” Him holding me

you know how a toddler
will drop to the floor
with that dead-weight
because they don’t wanna move?

that’s how I feel
yet God keeps me
light as a feather
so I can’t stop moving forward

Step by Step

| Laura Lee Bonde

On March 11th, I’ll have a lumpectomy.

He’ll take out the tumor and a few lymph nodes to have tested.

Immediately, I start radiation.

If results come back positive for the lymph nodes, I’ll need chemo.

He’s trying to save my boob.

He put me on Vitamin E and Evening Oil of Primrose.

No coffee, tea, soda, energy drinks, or chocolate.

 

Shadows

| Laura Lee Bonde

This morning, I couldn’t wait to dance with God at church!

While dancing, there was no fear about tomorrow’s appointment. There were very few thoughts of cancer whatsoever. Apart from that time, it’s been pretty constant.

It’s not constant in a way that I’m dreading it or anything. The thoughts are constant in the way they sporadically come on a regular basis.

Being scared has been sort of normal. And it doesn’t mean I’m not trusting God.

I have a lot to learn about my diet, this growth, the surgery plans, my energy, and unfortunately, I don’t believe it’ll all be answered tomorrow, so I’ll focus on what God answered today.

Today, as I was dancing, I saw the shadow of my flag on the floor. As I danced with the flag, the shadow moved. It felt like God was telling me that this cancer was but a shadow.

If I choose to give up, I’m sure the shadow would grow, but if I choose to fight, the shadow will move.

I’m a warrior, a queen.
I will not stop living, but I also will not stop writing how I feel.

“hopes or wishes”

| Laura Lee Bonde

I think the best way to mourn the dead
is to spend time with the living
after all
death often brings one closer
to life

now more than ever
life has gained value
and importance
things that used to be priority
have shifted down the list
moments that’ve been pushed aside
have risen to the top

I have no fear of dying
but I have sadness knowing what the kids would endure
if I died
that gives me more determination
to live

today, we celebrated the life of a great man
one who lost the battle to cancer
one who I could feel in my breast

I wonder how many times he was told
“it’s gonna be okay”