[written on Friday, January 13, 2017]
Last night (Thursday, January 12) was amazing, but it was more than that because of certain things leading up to it.
Since last month, I’d been planning to dance with my flags at Poetry Night at The Prelude, but then, last week, something happened, and my desire to dance seemed crushed. Continue reading
Every once in awhile, I get in shutdown mode, and lately, that’s where I’ve been. You wanna know what’s funny: usually, advice gets me there. Anyway, last week was…how should I word it…tough? Yeah, tough, but Friday evening ended up the night for Scott and I to start Christmas shopping, but it didn’t go well. Continue reading
Some read by candlelight; I read by Christmas light.
Yesyerday, I listened to Curry Blake teach about meditation and practiced it in my life last night. It something I used to do but pulled away from, since being in Texas, and that’s reading my bible at night.
Over the past couple months, I’ve been reading Narnia books at bedtime…almost trying to escape. Well, this teaching talked about being in the word morning AND night, so I started back up last night.
And wouldn’t you know it: I didn’t have a bad dream! (I’ve had quite a few bad dreams.)
There were other pointers, too, like thanking God for one minute seven times a day and being mindful of who you listen to because words are recorded in your brain.
This morning, I’ve been reading by Christmas light and feel stronger already. He’s building me up for something…maybe Katie leaving…maybe my husband not changing, but regardless, I’m stronger!
When amazing situations turn out bad, I’m not sure how faith passes on because to get where I am took amazing faith, but if I told you (honestly) where I’m at, no one would follow, and I wouldn’t encourage you to.
That saddens me.
What’s the point of exercising extreme faith if, after I land, I advice everyone to back away from the cliff.
Faith is where your blindfolded, standing on the edge, and jump, expecting to be taught how to fly, but when you fall, your aches and pains tend to be warnings for others, so they don’t do the same thing.
Extinguishing faith.
Right now, in my life, I’d encourage moms to stay single and remain being one-hundred-percent there for their kids. I’d tell you not to marry your ex because it involves too much pain. I’d tell you not to move with your kids because the loss for them is too great and becoming a stranger is too painful. And I’d never encourage someone to become unequally yoked.
In other words, everything I’ve done, feeling moved by God in faith, I’d tell others NOT to do, so I’m not sure I find the good in that.
The problem with marrying someone from your past is that that someone “knows” your past, sometimes better than you do. Anyway, last night was a rough night.
It started out well because Scott and I practiced talking and did so for about two hours. If the word “practice” throws you off, it’s because for the last six months, we’ve, probably, barely talked two hours TOTAL, which makes for a very long six months, especially when you count the days, but we seem to be on the healing side of it.
After our talk, we went to the store to pick up a couple things for the girls. They were at The Prelude, so we wanted to be back before they got home. On the way, our talking continued but didn’t go so well. Continue reading
On Sunday, I quit drinking coffee, but the reason may surprise you.
The “thought” to quit came to me on Saturday night at The Prelude. I was listening to the music, watching Katie with Ariel, and decided I wanted to be “awake” for the next two months, so I can be aware of every moment with them, and I knew the best way to be “awake” would be to get coffee out of my system.
You see, Katie and Ariel will be moving back to San Diego near the end of January, and at the moment, that devastates me. Through moving here, God’s really given us a relationship that we’ve never had before, a closeness that we’ve never experienced, so for her to be leaving feels like it’s crushing my heart (or what’s left of it anyway).
For good reasons, she wants to leave: she wants Ariel to be close to her father and vice versa (something Katie’s never had); she wants to make a relationship work with Ariel’s dad and, maybe, continue building a family; she wants to enjoy the climate where she lives and, actually, have a life outside, which is nearly impossible to do here (in the summer anyway); and she wants to live in a happy, loving home, which we’ve been unable to create here (yet (but still trying)).
It’s all very frustrating, but it’s part of life…THIS life anyway, and one way of “coping” with this is to stop drinking coffee, so that my body’s natural adrenaline will carry me through each day AWAKE because I’m tired of missing my kids when they’re gone and don’t plan on missing them (anymore) while they’re still here.
My physical family keeps getting smaller.
If you want to COMMENT that God’s “removing” my kids for any particular reason, SAVE IT BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT!
Yesterday morning was one of the toughest Thanksgiving runs of my life, and I think I know why.
A week and a half ago, I’d just done one of my strongest 5K runs ever with Katie, so what was the difference?
Sadness. Continue reading
You ever have those moments when all you want to do is write, yet nothing comes out? (sigh) I do. Lately, I have those moments A LOT, and for some reason, it hurts my heart. How can you tell? …the tears running down my face. 
So, today, my writing may be out-of-sorts (if it comes “out” at all).
When I was drinking, I used to make Hamburger Helper A LOT, so much so that the kids (and others) were “sick” of it, but as I sobered up, I learned to cook, and the times I made Hamburger Helper were few and far between, and almost every time we’ve had it, it’s been at Nathan’s request but only of a certain kind.
For as long as I can remember, Nathan’s loved the cheeseburger macaroni one, so I, always, associate it with him. Well, tonight, Scott made it for dinner, and I ALMOST made it through without crying…almost.
Near the end, I broke down, and I’ll be fine if I NEVER eat the cheeseburger Hamburger Helper again. I miss him so much and doubt it will ever stop.
Worship Flags and Infinity Scarfs 