“Back to Square One”

throughout living
so many things change
time
moments
love
moods
seasons

and amidst the change
there’s growth
and amidst the growth
there’s pain
and amidst the pain
there’re tears
and amidst the tears
you may find a friend

but even friends
change with time

those close by
seem far away
those far away
seem close by
some acquaintances
become friends
some friends
become acquaintances
and through it all
I often find myself

alone

in church
aa
relationships

yes people are there
and some become friends
but as I walk to each path
I’m alone

I KNOW God is with me
but even HE said
it’s not good
for “man” to be alone
yet HE was there

so as I drive to AA
as I visit different churches
and in certain conversations
I’m alone

I get turned around but never lost
it seems heavy but always light
I get weary but grab hold
of the ONE Who never changes
and someday
I won’t be

alone

“Step by Step”

[written 10/29/16]

the road of recovery
is rest in the unknown
becoming who you are
forgetting who you were

when traveled alone
every inch
feels like a mile

but with friends
all of a sudden
you turn around
and realize you’ve walked
a marathon

“The Unmentionable”

it’s a terrible thing
to be in a marriage
and feel alone

how could invisible walls
be so concrete
how could silence
last so long

when one budges
the other moves away
and when the other budges
the one moves away

is there a solution worth hearing
is there advice worth listening to

do the days
turn into years
do the moments
become a lifetime

every time I stretch to jump
the hurdle gets higher
every time I give up
the water rises

and as each of my kids
jump onto a boat
I’m left behind
sinking

“Drowning”

I’m in this place
with no windows
tears filling the room
like rain

having friends
yet no one to talk to
having vision
yet not all the rent

how could I ask anyone
to understand
when I myself
don’t understand

every tear
leading to a thought
every thought
leading to a tear

feeling like a failure
again
feeling unattractive
again

feeling

again

without
a friend
to listen

finding myself
alone

with the only One
Who cares
the only One
Who listens
the only One
Who never judges

another day
where hiding seems to be
the only option

Bye for Now

I’m going on a retreat tomorrow but am going to start withdrawing now, so I won’t be writing for a few days.

Let me tell you about my retreat. I’m so excited!!

I’m going to a retreat center on Palomar Mountain. Normally, people go there in groups of hundreds. I like to go alone.

In the past, I’ve gone to another center, but this will be my first time at this one. Because I’m a leader, I get the “pastor’s special,”…all meals included. I won’t be taking anything electronic with me. My car’s been acting up, so I’ll take my phone, but hopefully, I won’t turn it on.

I’m excited: me, God, bibles, paper, pens, thoughts, imagination, conversation…

all alone…

all one with God.