On March 11th, I’ll have a lumpectomy.
He’ll take out the tumor and a few lymph nodes to have tested.
Immediately, I start radiation.
If results come back positive for the lymph nodes, I’ll need chemo.
He’s trying to save my boob.
He put me on Vitamin E and Evening Oil of Primrose.
No coffee, tea, soda, energy drinks, or chocolate.
all of a sudden
my looks don’t matter
my teeth don’t matter
sex doesn’t matter
all of a sudden
“i” matter
This morning, I couldn’t wait to dance with God at church!
While dancing, there was no fear about tomorrow’s appointment. There were very few thoughts of cancer whatsoever. Apart from that time, it’s been pretty constant.
It’s not constant in a way that I’m dreading it or anything. The thoughts are constant in the way they sporadically come on a regular basis.
Being scared has been sort of normal. And it doesn’t mean I’m not trusting God.
I have a lot to learn about my diet, this growth, the surgery plans, my energy, and unfortunately, I don’t believe it’ll all be answered tomorrow, so I’ll focus on what God answered today.
Today, as I was dancing, I saw the shadow of my flag on the floor. As I danced with the flag, the shadow moved. It felt like God was telling me that this cancer was but a shadow.
If I choose to give up, I’m sure the shadow would grow, but if I choose to fight, the shadow will move.
I’m a warrior, a queen.
I will not stop living, but I also will not stop writing how I feel.
I think the best way to mourn the dead
is to spend time with the living
after all
death often brings one closer
to life
now more than ever
life has gained value
and importance
things that used to be priority
have shifted down the list
moments that’ve been pushed aside
have risen to the top
I have no fear of dying
but I have sadness knowing what the kids would endure
if I died
that gives me more determination
to live
today, we celebrated the life of a great man
one who lost the battle to cancer
one who I could feel in my breast
I wonder how many times he was told
“it’s gonna be okay”
If you think I’m sulking and falling apart, you’re wrong. But I’m definitely still “feeling” and probably will throughout this whole journey.
Yesterday, I reminded myself that this is a wonderful opportunity for growth. And just like with growth, there’ll be pain along the way.
And yes, I’ve still found excitement through this.
I’m excited to learn, so I’ll be better equipped to be there for those women God puts in my life, so I can help them through it. And for that, I am excited!
I know about rape and sexual assault and how no matter how hard you scrub in the shower, it will never come off. That’s what cancer feels like, so when a woman says it feels like rape, I’ll understand.
Understanding one another is key to being able to help one another. I don’t know why that makes a difference, but it does.
I know that yearning feeling of wishing I was in love, so that someone could hold me with intent.
I’m learning what not to say and how to be there for someone.
I’ve ordered my new sheets and will be getting a mattress pad to make my bed more comfy, just in case I need to spend a lot of time in it.
I’ll be able to help prepare someone to make their journey just a little bit easier.
This IS an opportunity for growth, and I’m ceasing it!!
Yes, I’ll be writing as I go through things, but never miss that important part…”as I GO THROUGH things.”
I never stop walking. I just like to talk while I walk. #cancersucks
Well, yesterday, it was confirmed that I have breast cancer. Now, I wait until Monday to find out how we’re going to treat it.
I walked into the doctor’s office at 2:30 PM with a blood pressure of 122/75. When I got to my next appointment at the dentist (at 3:10 PM), it was 149/98. As of no surprise, I was a little anxious.
Since then, I do well when I’m busy, but when I’m not, when I have a moment to think, I breakdown a little. As a matter of fact, I cried myself to sleep last night.
Apparently, the results were known on the 12th, but I didn’t receive them till yesterday. I’m sort of glad of that.
What’s next? Writing. I’m not really doing well, so I’m going to write about it because that’s how I process things best.
Have you ever been in an uncomfortable situation and walked out?
Have you ever met that annoying person and walked away?
Have you ever tasted something nasty and spit it out?
Well, this is like being in an uncomfortable place, but you can’t leave. It’s like being chained to that annoying person. It’s like having to eat something disgusting. It’s like having something evil inside of you, yet you can’t get away from it.
It is NOT a good feeling. AND, those aren’t the only feelings I’ve been experiencing. Here’re some more.
Guilt – because I haven’t maintained a healthy diet, so my cells aren’t as empowered as they could be.
Shame – because of all the men I’ve let touch my breasts, my body.
Fear – because I don’t flippin know the road ahead (but I’ll keep moving forward).
Disgust – because I feel dirty with cancer inside me.
Sadness – because I’m sad.
Those are just some of the things I’ve been feeling. I’m sure they’ll be more, but as they say, “Life goes on, so I need to get over it.” …easier said then done.
Anyway, I need to get to work. Pray I don’t breakdown until after work.
Thank you all for supporting me through the time you’ve known me, and thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts!
Well, this morning’s biobsy was another adventure.
At first, they couldn’t find anything. They had the measurements but couldn’t see anything. While they went to discuss things, I was left in the room and cried.
You know what? Crying is normal and so is sadness. My counselor has been coaching me on how to feel sadness without shame or guilt, so this morning, I felt sad and cried.
I knew God was with with me and always will be, but in those moments of self and fear, I seem to feel deeply.
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Worship Flags and Infinity Scarfs 