Cancer Sucks

March 6, 2020

If only I had a pen and paper last night and the energy to write…I had another intense breakdown, that wouldn’t stop, so I decided to fall asleep crying but didn’t make it that far.

As I was driving back from dropping off Carolyn and almost to the house, Heidi Baker’s voice came on in a worship song. Immediately, I thought, “She so lives for God. I bet she’s never had cancer.” That thought triggered the domino effect of some thoughts.

I began to pray and said, “I will never be Heidi Baker. I will never be so-n-so. I will never be so-n-so. I will only be just me.” All of a sudden, I began to cry.

Why did I see myself as ‘just me’
I’m more than ‘just’ and always have been
We’re ALL more than ‘just’
But in that moment
Hearing me see me in that way
Caused a meltdown

When I got to the house, I stayed in the car to work through it, so I wouldn’t freak out Nathan (because this was a bad one). I thought about the bottles of tears God was collecting. When I pulled myself together, I went inside.

As soon as I walked in, Nathan greeted me. That’s all it took. I started crying again. I was weeping so hard. Then, the truth came out of my heart.

“I DON’T WANT TO HAVE CANCER!” And I wept.

Hunched over. Crying out loud, as if someone had just passed. And I just let the tears fall.

Again, when I pulled myself together (or rather, when God’s strength rose up inside me), I went to my room to write about it. I was exhausted. But then, Kyle called.

It was my daily ‘I love you’ call, and I looked forward to hearing his voice. He told me he saw The Invisible Man, and I said, “Well that wasn’t much to see.” [Even in my breakdowns, I’m funny.] It made Kyle laugh, and hearing his laugh caused the breakdown to start again.

I just wept, and he just listened. I told him I didn’t know why I was crying. He said, “You’re going through some scary stuff.” I wept and couldn’t stop, so I decided to fall asleep crying and told him goodnight.

As I sat in bed, I saw my Bible and remembered how comforting the Psalms were when going through difficult times, so I read one. Before I was done reading, I was done crying. Thank God, His Spirit reminded me of His peace.

During the first breakdown, I thought I remembered being taught at one point that ‘if you trust doctors, you’re not trusting God.’ I don’t believe that’s true.

I trust that God is working through these doctors and is behind the creation of their procedures. To be honest, I don’t know how to not lean on doctors right now, and to my little heart last night, that seemed devastating.

I’m so glad God reminded me of the Psalms, that it’s normal to breakdown, and trusting Him looks different for everyone.

I haven’t done the research yet, but some people have told me that the fast scheduling of everything that’s been done on my and will be done is almost unheard of. I’m pretty sure that’s because God has me right where I’m supposed to be. Now, if I could only remember that in those intense breakdowns, I’d be fine. #cancersucks

“Glue”

March 5, 2020

Holding it together on the outside
While falling apart the inside
Wearing a smile that you hope is believable

Some call it faking.
Some call it working.
Some will never notice.

If you’re really living life
There’s no time to sulk and isolate
But that’s when it gets tough

The world expects you to be okay
God’s wants you to be raw
Otherwise, He’d have empty bottles

Being Alone

March 4, 2020

I’m not sure what it was, but today was just “heavy.”

Maybe it was anxiety.
Maybe it was anticipation.
Maybe it was fear.
Maybe it was terror.

My preop is on Friday. Carolyn was going to be here, so I was going to take her with me, but then I learned she had to work. All of a sudden, I had to go alone.

As I was venting to Scott, I broke down, and the truth came out. I was terrified to go alone on Friday. I get tired of going to things alone. I just bawled on the phone (while I was drivingšŸ˜¬).

All of a sudden, he said, “What time is your appointment? I’ll get half the day off. I’ll go with you.” Immediately, I was relieved.

While talking to him, I finally opened up about something else.

The other day, I had a sharp pain in my toe and thought, “What if the cancer’s down there!” The thought just came instantaneously.

Then, yesterday, I noticed my belly protruding and thought, “What if the cancer’s in there!”

And lately, I’ve been having to clear my throat a lot, and of course, I thought, “What if cancer’s in my throat!”

These are just thoughts, and I dismiss them as quick as I think of it, but it’s hard to catch them before they come because they come in response to pain or discomfort.

I don’t know. Today was rough, and I’m glad I’m going to bed. Tomorrow will be a day of straight homework. Let’s hope I get my mind started in a better place.

“How To Shrink Cancer”

March 2, 2020

when I woke up this morning
I realized how much bigger
God was than cancer
and it gave me such peace

that peace beyond understanding

I don’t have all the answers
to all my questions
but that doesn’t matter
the only thing that matters is

who God is and what He’s done

He never changes
He never turns away
He never lets go
He’s God

and I know He’s here
every step of the way

even the horrible ones

this past week and a half
my mind’s been consumed
with thoughts of cancer
so much so that it drained me

today, I barely thought about cancer
oh trust me
I had discouragement in my day
but none of it was from cancer
and that’s huge to me

today, God grew in my eyes
and cancer shrank

there’s no guarantee that I will win this fight
and there is no guarentee that I won’t
but as I let God go before me
I know I’m in good hands

to live is gain
and to die is gain
only some will understand

MD Anderson v. Harlingen

March 1, 2020

MD Anderson, it’s the best hospital in the nation for cancer care, and they accepted my insurance, but I chose not to go there, and here’s why.

MD Anderson is located in Houston. Away from my kids. Away from my friends. Almost away from love.

The thought of traveling there, staying in a hotel, and doing tests all over again did NOT sound appealing AT ALL.

When I saw the surgeon, I told him about MD Anderson, and he assured me that everything they do there will be done here. My surgeon is Dr. Dhevan, one of the nicest men. I fully trust him with my life. His office referred me to an oncologist they trust.

Dr. Sarhill is my oncologist. I’ve heard one amazing thing about him and one negative thing. When I told the nurse that, she said, “Wherever you go, you’re gonna hear a negative, but let me tell you: If my kids had cancer, I would only want them to see Sarhill.” I fully trust that!

Dr. Movva is my primary physician. He’s the one that been making eveything happen so fast. My mammorgram was on January 21, which isn’t too long ago. Since then, I’ve had an MRI, a biopsy, a consultation with the surgeon, and now it’s all happening the second week of March. That seems pretty remarkable!

Mr. Ramos is my counselor. Yesterday, he found out what I’m going through and asked to see me every week through March, so he can help me process it all. I’m forever grateful God led me to him.

Yes, I truly believe I’m in good hands in Harlingen and can’t wait to spread the news of positive results! My medical team, mixed with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, my family, my friends, my recovery group, my church, my counselor is what will carry me through.

There’s a reason I’ve been sober over 14 years without a relapse. I really believe it’s because I create support groups wherever I go.

“Fear”

February 27, 2020

I love it when friends encourage me to be real, to come out of my hiding places, so here’s a little “real” for you!

I’m scared.
I’m scared of this forever journey.
I’m scared of taking my teeth out for surgery.
I’m scared of my boob changing shape.
I’m scared of talking to the oncologist about radiation.
I’m scared of what I’ll hear.
I’m scared of how my looks might change (again).
I’m scared I might be disappointing God by being scared.

There. There are my fears.

Every day, I feel anxiety, but I don’t want to take medicine, so I breathe through it, pray, change my thoughts, and face my fears.

I know it will be okay. I know I have plenty more to do in this world. I know I’ll get through this because I’m in God’s heart.

And yet, I still get scared.

Hidden

every time I think I’ve found me
she’s gone again
and then I’m challenged
to be the me that people see
but what does that look like?

at times, I break down crying
tired of moving forward
but won’t stand still
is that the me they wanna see?

at times, I act as if nothing’s wrong
hiding inside so no one will see
what I’m thinking
what I’m feeling
how I’m doing
is that the me they wanna see?

at times, I think I’m silly
for ever worrying about anything
that the me I’m supposed to be
shouldn’t do that
is that the me they wanna see?

I used to wake up smiling
ready to tackle the day
now, I just stare at nothing
and wonder how I’ll get up
is that the me they wanna see?

when I think about me
I think about God
and how deep inside His heart I am
that’s the me that everyone sees

but she feels
she doubts
she cries
she disconnects
she wonders
she overcomes
she loves
all inside His beautiful heart
where she finds herself
every day

Tunnels

there’s light
there’s always been light
it just seems like some tunnels
are longer than others

when I think back
as I’ve gone through stuff
I’ve always felt through it
and that’s been okay

there’re some super supernatural folks
who calmly walk
through the valley of death
seemingly unscathed
but some people feel out loud
all the way through

that’d be me

but I’m glad I feel
and I’m glad I write
because unbeknownst to me
my writing sometimes touches people
in their innermost being
in places only God could see
until now

I think it’s okay to get mad and frustrated
I think it’s okay to be scared
yet the words ‘fear no evil’
prove me wrong
yet I’m still a little freaked out

but through it all
I never think of drinking
I don’t want anxiety meds
heck, I don’t even want sex
the counselor ruined that for me
he taught me my worth
so now I’ll be picky

I know I’m not alone
I know God is with me
I know many are praying
maybe that’s why I’m crying
and breaking down in mid thought
because I’m surrounded by love
in the midst of fear

Radiation

Well
I had a pretty intense
falling apart moment
one that made everything
seem wrong

I’m scared
I’m unsure
I feel lost
yet I know where I’m going
I feel like I wanna cry
on God’s lap
but “feel” Him holding me

you know how a toddler
will drop to the floor
with that dead-weight
because they don’t wanna move?

that’s how I feel
yet God keeps me
light as a feather
so I can’t stop moving forward