March 5, 2020
Holding it together on the outside
While falling apart the inside
Wearing a smile that you hope is believable
Some call it faking.
Some call it working.
Some will never notice.
If you’re really living life
There’s no time to sulk and isolate
But that’s when it gets tough
The world expects you to be okay
God’s wants you to be raw
Otherwise, He’d have empty bottles
March 4, 2020
I’m not sure what it was, but today was just “heavy.”
Maybe it was anxiety.
Maybe it was anticipation.
Maybe it was fear.
Maybe it was terror.
My preop is on Friday. Carolyn was going to be here, so I was going to take her with me, but then I learned she had to work. All of a sudden, I had to go alone.
As I was venting to Scott, I broke down, and the truth came out. I was terrified to go alone on Friday. I get tired of going to things alone. I just bawled on the phone (while I was driving😬).
All of a sudden, he said, “What time is your appointment? I’ll get half the day off. I’ll go with you.” Immediately, I was relieved.
While talking to him, I finally opened up about something else.
The other day, I had a sharp pain in my toe and thought, “What if the cancer’s down there!” The thought just came instantaneously.
Then, yesterday, I noticed my belly protruding and thought, “What if the cancer’s in there!”
And lately, I’ve been having to clear my throat a lot, and of course, I thought, “What if cancer’s in my throat!”
These are just thoughts, and I dismiss them as quick as I think of it, but it’s hard to catch them before they come because they come in response to pain or discomfort.
I don’t know. Today was rough, and I’m glad I’m going to bed. Tomorrow will be a day of straight homework. Let’s hope I get my mind started in a better place.
March 2, 2020
when I woke up this morning
I realized how much bigger
God was than cancer
and it gave me such peace
that peace beyond understanding
I don’t have all the answers
to all my questions
but that doesn’t matter
the only thing that matters is
who God is and what He’s done
He never changes
He never turns away
He never lets go
He’s God
and I know He’s here
every step of the way
even the horrible ones
this past week and a half
my mind’s been consumed
with thoughts of cancer
so much so that it drained me
today, I barely thought about cancer
oh trust me
I had discouragement in my day
but none of it was from cancer
and that’s huge to me
today, God grew in my eyes
and cancer shrank
there’s no guarantee that I will win this fight
and there is no guarentee that I won’t
but as I let God go before me
I know I’m in good hands
to live is gain
and to die is gain
only some will understand
every time I think I’ve found me
she’s gone again
and then I’m challenged
to be the me that people see
but what does that look like?
at times, I break down crying
tired of moving forward
but won’t stand still
is that the me they wanna see?
at times, I act as if nothing’s wrong
hiding inside so no one will see
what I’m thinking
what I’m feeling
how I’m doing
is that the me they wanna see?
at times, I think I’m silly
for ever worrying about anything
that the me I’m supposed to be
shouldn’t do that
is that the me they wanna see?
I used to wake up smiling
ready to tackle the day
now, I just stare at nothing
and wonder how I’ll get up
is that the me they wanna see?
when I think about me
I think about God
and how deep inside His heart I am
that’s the me that everyone sees
but she feels
she doubts
she cries
she disconnects
she wonders
she overcomes
she loves
all inside His beautiful heart
where she finds herself
every day
On March 11th, I’ll have a lumpectomy.
He’ll take out the tumor and a few lymph nodes to have tested.
Immediately, I start radiation.
If results come back positive for the lymph nodes, I’ll need chemo.
He’s trying to save my boob.
He put me on Vitamin E and Evening Oil of Primrose.
No coffee, tea, soda, energy drinks, or chocolate.
all of a sudden
my looks don’t matter
my teeth don’t matter
sex doesn’t matter
all of a sudden
“i” matter
As I was listening to worship music on the way to work yesterday, this prayer came out.
It was like, out of nowhere, something snapped.
I had a very stearn talk with the cells, tissue, and muscle in my body and told them they needed to contain this shit, until the doctor can get it out! (Yes, I said shit in my prayer. It happens sometime.)
I also reminded everything in my body who was Boss and told them God gave them specific instructions on how to keep me healthy and they better GET TO WORK!
Then, I had a talk with joy.
I told joy how I realized it was buried and that it better rise up and overflow!!
Anyway, yesterday, I didn’t breakdown once.
I love you all!
If you think I’m sulking and falling apart, you’re wrong. But I’m definitely still “feeling” and probably will throughout this whole journey.
Yesterday, I reminded myself that this is a wonderful opportunity for growth. And just like with growth, there’ll be pain along the way.
And yes, I’ve still found excitement through this.
I’m excited to learn, so I’ll be better equipped to be there for those women God puts in my life, so I can help them through it. And for that, I am excited!
I know about rape and sexual assault and how no matter how hard you scrub in the shower, it will never come off. That’s what cancer feels like, so when a woman says it feels like rape, I’ll understand.
Understanding one another is key to being able to help one another. I don’t know why that makes a difference, but it does.
I know that yearning feeling of wishing I was in love, so that someone could hold me with intent.
I’m learning what not to say and how to be there for someone.
I’ve ordered my new sheets and will be getting a mattress pad to make my bed more comfy, just in case I need to spend a lot of time in it.
I’ll be able to help prepare someone to make their journey just a little bit easier.
This IS an opportunity for growth, and I’m ceasing it!!
Yes, I’ll be writing as I go through things, but never miss that important part…”as I GO THROUGH things.”
I never stop walking. I just like to talk while I walk. #cancersucks
I have to share with you how nice my dentist is.
First of all, he’s been with me through everything because it’s taken so long to get my teeth perfect.
He was there through the mammogram. He was there through the MRI. He was there through the biopsy. And when I went to see him on Wednesday, he was there to hear about the cancer, and it looked like it broke his heart.
I was leaned back in the chair, and he was adjusting my teeth. All of a sudden, I started bawling. He thought he might’ve done something. That’s when I told him I found out I had cancer. He let me gather myself, then finished with my teeth.
Yesterday, after he put the finished set in my mouth and handed me the mirror, he asked how they felt. I told him, “Weird.” He explained it would take time and that he wanted to see me next week to keep track how they fit in my mouth. Then, he said the sweetest thing.
He said, “As you go through this treatment, your weight will fluctuate and your teeth won’t fit right. Come back whenever you need to, and I’ll adjust them or realign them for you for free. I’ll make sure they fit you.” Isn’t that the nicest thing!
I’m grateful God placed that dentist in my life, and I’m grateful He had him there for the different steps along the way.
Worship Flags and Infinity Scarfs 