poems

“The Color Of My Skin”

| Laura Lee Bonde

I’m white, so I don’t know what you’re going through
but I know I care
anything I say won’t matter
so I’m not sure what I can do

if I could live my life as a black woman
to show you that I care, I would
but it doesn’t work that way

I’m not sorry I’m white
but I’m sorry some people are racist
I’m sorry people use power against others
I’m sorry death is a result
I’m sorry for your pain

nobody asked to be born a certain way
we’re just thrown into this game called life
it seems to me that peace would be a win
but how do we get there?

if you look through history
riots brought on change
change that was needed
for some, it’s the only way to be heard
for others, we may never know

every moment of life is a part of history
just some moments leave a lasting effect
I wonder what kind of changes
these moments will make

“Contentment”

| Laura Lee Bonde

you know what I’ve realized?
I’m normal for “me”
no one can walk through this
like I am
and I can’t walk through it
like anyone else

we’re all different
all
unique

I’m grateful for my ups and downs
because I’m learning to work through them
the challenge I have
is to “feel” without judging myself

easier said than done

my poor counselor
I feel like he keeps having to repeat himself
but it seems like in between seeing him
I forget
but today
he said I’m doing much better!

my walk is mine
my look is mine
my nature is mine
and I’m pretty happy with it

“Buried Alive”

| Laura Lee Bonde

March 7, 2020

Where is she? Have you seen her?
I know she’s there

I see her face all over Facebook
Laughing
Smiling
Brightening the day
But I can’t find her

Have you seen her?

I don’t think she’s lost
Just buried
Buried beneath the pain and worry
Buried beneath the fear of not knowing
Buried beneath the sadness
Smothered beneath the breakdowns

Maybe she needs to break down
Before building back up
Maybe every tear that falls
Unearths another part of her

I’m hoping this hasn’t changed her
I’m hoping she’ll bounce right back
Because I miss her
She’s the me in me
That’s missing

“Glue”

| Laura Lee Bonde

March 5, 2020

Holding it together on the outside
While falling apart the inside
Wearing a smile that you hope is believable

Some call it faking.
Some call it working.
Some will never notice.

If you’re really living life
There’s no time to sulk and isolate
But that’s when it gets tough

The world expects you to be okay
God’s wants you to be raw
Otherwise, He’d have empty bottles

“How To Shrink Cancer”

| Laura Lee Bonde

March 2, 2020

when I woke up this morning
I realized how much bigger
God was than cancer
and it gave me such peace

that peace beyond understanding

I don’t have all the answers
to all my questions
but that doesn’t matter
the only thing that matters is

who God is and what He’s done

He never changes
He never turns away
He never lets go
He’s God

and I know He’s here
every step of the way

even the horrible ones

this past week and a half
my mind’s been consumed
with thoughts of cancer
so much so that it drained me

today, I barely thought about cancer
oh trust me
I had discouragement in my day
but none of it was from cancer
and that’s huge to me

today, God grew in my eyes
and cancer shrank

there’s no guarantee that I will win this fight
and there is no guarentee that I won’t
but as I let God go before me
I know I’m in good hands

to live is gain
and to die is gain
only some will understand

“Fear”

| Laura Lee Bonde

February 27, 2020

I love it when friends encourage me to be real, to come out of my hiding places, so here’s a little “real” for you!

I’m scared.
I’m scared of this forever journey.
I’m scared of taking my teeth out for surgery.
I’m scared of my boob changing shape.
I’m scared of talking to the oncologist about radiation.
I’m scared of what I’ll hear.
I’m scared of how my looks might change (again).
I’m scared I might be disappointing God by being scared.

There. There are my fears.

Every day, I feel anxiety, but I don’t want to take medicine, so I breathe through it, pray, change my thoughts, and face my fears.

I know it will be okay. I know I have plenty more to do in this world. I know I’ll get through this because I’m in God’s heart.

And yet, I still get scared.

Hidden

| Laura Lee Bonde

every time I think I’ve found me
she’s gone again
and then I’m challenged
to be the me that people see
but what does that look like?

at times, I break down crying
tired of moving forward
but won’t stand still
is that the me they wanna see?

at times, I act as if nothing’s wrong
hiding inside so no one will see
what I’m thinking
what I’m feeling
how I’m doing
is that the me they wanna see?

at times, I think I’m silly
for ever worrying about anything
that the me I’m supposed to be
shouldn’t do that
is that the me they wanna see?

I used to wake up smiling
ready to tackle the day
now, I just stare at nothing
and wonder how I’ll get up
is that the me they wanna see?

when I think about me
I think about God
and how deep inside His heart I am
that’s the me that everyone sees

but she feels
she doubts
she cries
she disconnects
she wonders
she overcomes
she loves
all inside His beautiful heart
where she finds herself
every day