My Son Turned 14 on 4/17/2017!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Nathan!! I know you won’t see this, but my heart doesn’t care, so I’m posting it anyway.

I’m so proud of you and miss you immensely!
There’re times when I think you’ve made the smartest decision out of all of us.
There’re times when I wonder how life will go on.
There’re times when I rage inside because you’re growing up without me.
There’re times when I rage inside because I’m growing up without you.
My bones miss your laughter.
My muscles miss your hugs.
My heart misses your smile.
But even though we’re far apart, you still turned 14!!
And even though we’re far apart, I’m still breathing.
I love you!

[Photo credit: Kyle, from the movie theater on 4/16/17]

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“Giggles”

if I close my eyes
I can hear their laughs
Kyle’s deeper than Nathan’s
but Nathan’s catching up
in age
in maturity
in stature
two sons
one mother
two states
one heart
missing two
and two hearts
missing one
the bond between
mother and sons
goes beyond the boundaries
of state lines

Out of the Box

When I was drinking, I used to make Hamburger Helper A LOT, so much so that the kids (and others) were “sick” of it, but as I sobered up, I learned to cook, and the times I made Hamburger Helper were few and far between, and almost every time we’ve had it, it’s been at Nathan’s request but only of a certain kind.

For as long as I can remember, Nathan’s loved the cheeseburger macaroni one, so I, always, associate it with him. Well, tonight, Scott made it for dinner, and I ALMOST made it through without crying…almost.

Near the end, I broke down, and I’ll be fine if I NEVER eat the cheeseburger Hamburger Helper again. I miss him so much and doubt it will ever stop.

Holidays are the Hardest

Yesterday was my favorite holiday of the year. Well, it “used” to be my favorite. We’ll see if it still remains…

It’s funny: I’ve ALWAYS loved the Fourth of July, but somewhere along the way, it became my favorite because of the firework shows and being with ALL my kids…two things I didn’t have this year, but when I thought about it, I didn’t have those last year, either.

As most of you know, moving to Texas “traumatized” me for a little while, and one of the traumatizing things was Continue reading

Scars that Prove Something

I always thought scars were a constant reminder of “what happened,” but since I have a couple now, I realize that’s not the case. Most of my “scars” are on the inside, so I never really thought about them as being reminders. Music, smells, household chores, thoughts usually trigger me back to a painful past, but not so much scars.

A little while back, I fell at my sons’ football practice and ended up in the emergency room. I have an irritating looking scar on my foot and my knee. At times, after standing for a while, the one on my foot hurts. Looking at it and feeling it, both, don’t seem to take me back to the moment of trauma; something else does. Continue reading