Author: Laura Lee Bonde

Commanding the body

| Laura Lee Bonde

As I was listening to worship music on the way to work yesterday, this prayer came out.

It was like, out of nowhere, something snapped.

I had a very stearn talk with the cells, tissue, and muscle in my body and told them they needed to contain this shit, until the doctor can get it out! (Yes, I said shit in my prayer. It happens sometime.)

I also reminded everything in my body who was Boss and told them God gave them specific instructions on how to keep me healthy and they better GET TO WORK!

Then, I had a talk with joy.

I told joy how I realized it was buried and that it better rise up and overflow!!

Anyway, yesterday, I didn’t breakdown once.

I love you all!

Fighting To Win

| Laura Lee Bonde

If you think I’m sulking and falling apart, you’re wrong. But I’m definitely still “feeling” and probably will throughout this whole journey.

Yesterday, I reminded myself that this is a wonderful opportunity for growth. And just like with growth, there’ll be pain along the way.

And yes, I’ve still found excitement through this.

I’m excited to learn, so I’ll be better equipped to be there for those women God puts in my life, so I can help them through it. And for that, I am excited!

I know about rape and sexual assault and how no matter how hard you scrub in the shower, it will never come off. That’s what cancer feels like, so when a woman says it feels like rape, I’ll understand.

Understanding one another is key to being able to help one another. I don’t know why that makes a difference, but it does.

I know that yearning feeling of wishing I was in love, so that someone could hold me with intent.

I’m learning what not to say and how to be there for someone.

I’ve ordered my new sheets and will be getting a mattress pad to make my bed more comfy, just in case I need to spend a lot of time in it.

I’ll be able to help prepare someone to make their journey just a little bit easier.

This IS an opportunity for growth, and I’m ceasing it!!

Yes, I’ll be writing as I go through things, but never miss that important part…”as I GO THROUGH things.”

I never stop walking. I just like to talk while I walk. #cancersucks

The Nicest Dentist in the World

| Laura Lee Bonde

I have to share with you how nice my dentist is.

First of all, he’s been with me through everything because it’s taken so long to get my teeth perfect.

He was there through the mammogram. He was there through the MRI. He was there through the biopsy. And when I went to see him on Wednesday, he was there to hear about the cancer, and it looked like it broke his heart.

I was leaned back in the chair, and he was adjusting my teeth. All of a sudden, I started bawling. He thought he might’ve done something. That’s when I told him I found out I had cancer. He let me gather myself, then finished with my teeth.

Yesterday, after he put the finished set in my mouth and handed me the mirror, he asked how they felt. I told him, “Weird.” He explained it would take time and that he wanted to see me next week to keep track how they fit in my mouth. Then, he said the sweetest thing.

He said, “As you go through this treatment, your weight will fluctuate and your teeth won’t fit right. Come back whenever you need to, and I’ll adjust them or realign them for you for free. I’ll make sure they fit you.” Isn’t that the nicest thing!

I’m grateful God placed that dentist in my life, and I’m grateful He had him there for the different steps along the way.

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So, I Have Cancer

| Laura Lee Bonde

Well, yesterday, it was confirmed that I have breast cancer. Now, I wait until Monday to find out how we’re going to treat it.

I walked into the doctor’s office at 2:30 PM with a blood pressure of 122/75. When I got to my next appointment at the dentist (at 3:10 PM), it was 149/98. As of no surprise, I was a little anxious.

Since then, I do well when I’m busy, but when I’m not, when I have a moment to think, I breakdown a little. As a matter of fact, I cried myself to sleep last night.

Apparently, the results were known on the 12th, but I didn’t receive them till yesterday. I’m sort of glad of that.

What’s next? Writing. I’m not really doing well, so I’m going to write about it because that’s how I process things best.

Have you ever been in an uncomfortable situation and walked out?
Have you ever met that annoying person and walked away?
Have you ever tasted something nasty and spit it out?

Well, this is like being in an uncomfortable place, but you can’t leave. It’s like being chained to that annoying person. It’s like having to eat something disgusting. It’s like having something evil inside of you, yet you can’t get away from it.

It is NOT a good feeling. AND, those aren’t the only feelings I’ve been experiencing. Here’re some more.

Guilt – because I haven’t maintained a healthy diet, so my cells aren’t as empowered as they could be.
Shame – because of all the men I’ve let touch my breasts, my body.
Fear – because I don’t flippin know the road ahead (but I’ll keep moving forward).
Disgust – because I feel dirty with cancer inside me.
Sadness – because I’m sad.

Those are just some of the things I’ve been feeling. I’m sure they’ll be more, but as they say, “Life goes on, so I need to get over it.” …easier said then done.

Anyway, I need to get to work. Pray I don’t breakdown until after work.

Thank you all for supporting me through the time you’ve known me, and thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts!

I don’t mean to complain

| Laura Lee Bonde

Sometimes, I feel like it’s not safe to write about anything personal anymore.

As I’m walking through this cancer scare, I’ve been sharing my feelings pretty openly yet holding back the really deep stuff.

Most people tell me don’t worry. Another handful tell me that God is in control. And some tell me to quit complaining.

It’s not my intent to complain. I just write what’s going on. And what’s going on isn’t the easiest thing for me.

One of my petpeaves is when people pretend to know me without getting to know me. I’m here.

I’m real.

And I’m not looking forward to this part of the journey, but I’m excited for all the other parts.

 

I Might Have Cancer

| Laura Lee Bonde

Well, this morning’s biobsy was another adventure.

At first, they couldn’t find anything. They had the measurements but couldn’t see anything. While they went to discuss things, I was left in the room and cried.

You know what? Crying is normal and so is sadness. My counselor has been coaching me on how to feel sadness without shame or guilt, so this morning, I felt sad and cried.

I knew God was with with me and always will be, but in those moments of self and fear, I seem to feel deeply.
Continue reading →

I Met My Spirit Animal

| Laura Lee Bonde

Yesterday, I met my spirit animal.

This isn’t a post to explain what that means because I don’t fully understand myself. All I know is what I experienced.

Last night, I was guided through a meditation, and in my vision, a wolf came to me, meaning my spirit animal is a wolf, but the meaning of the vision was what reallly floored me, but before I tell you about the vision, let me tell you what I entered in with. Continue reading →

Warning: Long post about abortion!

| Laura Lee Bonde

I love my kids dearly and love to talk about how our relationships have healed and grown, but this morning, I want to talk about the few who didn’t make it.

When I was in high school, I got pregnant. If I remember correctly, I was seventeen. I won’t give too many details about this time of my life because it was heartbreaking, and I still haven’t figured out how to write about family without offending family. I know, I know…I need to get over that, but until I do, I’ll leave what was going on in my life out. I’ll just tell you a few things.

I was living with my sisters.
I was in my senior year.
I was sleeping with (at least) two different people.

Needless to say, the possible fathers didn’t want the baby. I was going to school and working to pay the rent. And on top of all that, I had been throwing up about seven times a day. It was too much for me, so I decided to have an abortion. Continue reading →

“Trails”

| Laura Lee Bonde

Being drained and exhausted
Yet wide awake from writing a paper
Leaves one to wonder the strangest things

Like what’s it all for
Anyway
I mean, you work so hard
For what may not happen

Then my thoughts trail off
To the past

Like why would you want
To sleep with me
Yet not get to know me
Not spend time with me

They really missed out

Then my thoughts trail off
To tomorrow

Like how I’ll dress to impress
Those higher than me from out of town
Make my hair look nice
And fix my makeup

But they don’t wanna know me either

Then my thoughts trail off
To this moment

Where the Presence of God
Fills my lungs
And every part of Him
Knows and Loves every part of me

To be known by Him
Is to be unknown to the world
And that’s the best place to be