Other People’s Memories

The problem with marrying someone from your past is that that someone “knows” your past, sometimes better than you do. Anyway, last night was a rough night.

It started out well because Scott and I practiced talking and did so for about two hours. If the word “practice” throws you off, it’s because for the last six months, we’ve, probably, barely talked two hours TOTAL, which makes for a very long six months, especially when you count the days, but we seem to be on the healing side of it.

After our talk, we went to the store to pick up a couple things for the girls. They were at The Prelude, so we wanted to be back before they got home. On the way, our talking continued but didn’t go so well. Continue reading

“Do-Overs”

[written 10/9/16]

sometimes
I wonder
“if I’d done
EVERYTHING right
would things be
different?”

but then THAT
makes me wonder
“if I’d done
everything right
would I be
who I am?”

who I am
is pretty amazing
so trying to
change the past
seems
pointless

Holidays are the Hardest

Yesterday was my favorite holiday of the year. Well, it “used” to be my favorite. We’ll see if it still remains…

It’s funny: I’ve ALWAYS loved the Fourth of July, but somewhere along the way, it became my favorite because of the firework shows and being with ALL my kids…two things I didn’t have this year, but when I thought about it, I didn’t have those last year, either.

As most of you know, moving to Texas “traumatized” me for a little while, and one of the traumatizing things was Continue reading

“My Father’s Time”

my dad
trying to remember
without forgetting

I remember his chuckle
and the way his eyes smiled

I remember his stride
and trying to keep up

I remember him taking us
to play tennis

I remember him
having lunch ready

I was his back scratcher
his daughter

I don’t remember
any kisses or hugs

but sometimes
love looks different

I remember his laugh
and the way he smelled

I remember his eyes
and the way he looked at me

I remember his love
and miss him

there was a time
when I forgot on purpose
but now I remember intentionally

When Others Won’t Let Go

For me, it’s easy to let go of the past, but when someone dear to me “catches” it and throws it back at me, THAT’s the hard part and that’s when I crumble.

Well, this is one of those writing moments when I hope it’s private, meaning I hope no one I know face to face will ever read it, so it may seem strange for me to write it, but if I don’t let out what’s going on inside of me, I’m afraid I might drown in tears, so here’s to taking a risk. Continue reading

“Dear Santa”

yesterday
cleaning the garage
I came across two letters
from my girls

one asking for twenty five minutes
the other asking for fifty nine minutes
of a loving family

that moment
when you feel your heart break
and drip

I began to cry
THIS is why I’m so grateful
THIS is why I write

do you have any idea what HE’s done?
do you even know how HE’s changed my life?

my grateful tears
ran into regret
and the sobbing began

regret
always referred to as bad
but how can one not

searching deeper within
I looked up regret’s definition

as a verb
feel sad
repentant
disappointment

as a noun
feeling of sadness
repentance
disappointment

I regret the damage I’ve caused others
I regret certain things from the past
but it’s not a verb I practice
and it’s not a noun I live in

I breathe
stand
and live
in joy

grateful that I’m
forgiven