For me, it’s easy to let go of the past, but when someone dear to me “catches” it and throws it back at me, THAT’s the hard part and that’s when I crumble.
Well, this is one of those writing moments when I hope it’s private, meaning I hope no one I know face to face will ever read it, so it may seem strange for me to write it, but if I don’t let out what’s going on inside of me, I’m afraid I might drown in tears, so here’s to taking a risk.
If you know me at all, you know I have a past that’s opposite of my present, and that’s a VERY good thing, but I’m not the only one who lived through my past. I have a twenty five year old and a twenty three year old with scars, wounds, and hurts caused by me. My oldest, my son, has been able to heal and love me as I am; my daughter’s a different story.
You know that saying, it takes a moment to lose someone’s trust and a lifetime to gain it back? Well, I think that may be the same with love.
Right now, my daughter is five and a half months pregnant. In the beginning, she’d wanted an abortion but decided against it, so now, I’m a grandma and can’t wait for her to be born. [It’s a girl!]
I can’t imagine how “normal” mothers and daughters enjoy this time because my daughter’s been so cold to me, and I had a feeling I knew why but finally asked today.
I was right.
You see, my daughter’s learning what it is to be a mom and how to do everything right, and all it’s doing is showing her all the things I did wrong. She resents me for being the mother I WAS and can’t seem to love me as the mother I AM. I don’t know what to do with that.
I came in the bedroom to process it all and cannot stop crying.
I know to pray but for what…for her to see me as I am or for me to not be affected by it? Maybe both.
I’m a strong woman but am weakest with my kids because it hurts so bad. I regret all that I’ve put them through but can’t change what I’ve done. I just need to continue to BE love for them and see them through God’s heart.