I’m Not Dead


Recently, I’ve been challenged to check my motives on everything I do to make sure I’m living for God and not me. Some things I’ve heard or read insinuated that I might be self-seeking still, which didn’t sit well with me, so I went to God to find out what was in my heart.

In seeking Him out, I talked to Him about what part of me He wanted me to keep because I didn’t believe in being so rid of me that only He existed: I thought He wanted me to keep my laugh, my personality, the way I approach people, etc. I feel there’s a certain amount of me still here with all of Him, which makes us one. So, what turned me in this direction?

I’ve heard a lot about dying to self, so much so that you don’t exist. One teaching I heard on this had me feel like so-why-am-I-even-alive. I left that teaching crying. I guess I took it too literally, but it made me recall a time when Katie had come home from a class in tears.

It was on the same type of lesson, and, if I remember right, she felt as I recently had felt: why am I even alive, if God doesn’t need or want me. He could just use somebody else in this so called game. Of course, that wasn’t what God was saying to her OR me.

In the bible, the only two commandments Jesus left us with was to love God…and love others, as you love yourself. There’s a part of myself that God wants me to KEEP and LOVE, even before I love others, so He’s taught me that there’s a part of me worth keeping.

In all this searching, I’ve learned even deeper of what it means to ‘die to myself.’ It means to die to any selfish desires, but not to kill off the Laura you all know and love. He wants to be one WITH me, not bury me. The parts that are buried are my old sinful nature and my desires to live for myself, not for God.

I’m excited to live FOR HIM, THROUGH HIM, BECAUSE OF HIM and release His Kingdom throughout the parts of earth I touch. I have a bunch of teenagers who are begging me to come over on Saturday. I love that! They want to come hang out and play games at my house: Chutes & Ladders; Apples to Apples; Telestrations; Uno, etc. I so look forward to Saturday night and to tomorrow and to today and to this next minute!! Life is good, when you’re living through God’s heart!!

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