Digging up the Past

Easter: a time to reflect on Jesus and what He’s done, yet for me, every day’s like that, but yesterday morning was a bit overwhelming.

I was up in the wee hours of the morning and started thinking about Easter as a holiday and thought about calling family. Well, those thoughts triggered memories of my dad, who passed away years ago, so after I wrote about that, I lay back down. It was then, when I was overwhelmed.

I was done thinking about dad and began to think about who I was when he was alive…bad decision, and in the midst of those memories, I thought about Scott.

I’m not sure if I wrote about it, but when Scott had said “yes” to taking me back as his wife, I began to cry and asked him “why.” It was an honest reaction, one I hadn’t planned for, but when he professed his love, it was the only thought that made sense. And as I remembered about THAT, I began to cry.

And I cried for an hour.

This wasn’t the first time this happened, and each time, I’ve reached out to Scott, and every time, he’s reaffirmed his love for me…his acceptance of me…his view of me, and it’s all from God.

You see, I know most of you know of my past and the filth I’ve felt and the cleansing I’ve experienced through Jesus, so I’m not totally sure if I thoroughly understand why this happens to me.

It takes strength to fly out to another state and ask your ex to marry you. I went with confidence because I knew who I was, I knew Who I heard, and I knew how I loved. It was a no-brainer…all heart, but now that I’m married, I’ve gone through times where I’ve felt like “used goods” because of the way I’ve lived my life.

Scott waited for me. I did not.

I know I’ve been cleansed, brand new, so are these memories of how I lived my life from the enemy to tear me down or a deeper healing I’m going through?

(These aren’t questions I want answers for…just part of my communion with God.)

Anyway, as I was in bed, sobbing through it all, I realized I felt unworthy of Scott and realized what a beautiful picture of Christ he was.

He waited for me.
He sees me as I am.
He doesn’t keep record.
He received me as his wife.
He loves me, unconditionally.

I may not be able to erase the past, but God can and has already buried it, so on this day of resurrection, I believe “I” was the one resurrecting my past.

I’d love to say that I’ll never go through this again, but with the porn convention nearing, I have a feeling it’s not over, but the difference is I’ve been blessed with a husband who’ll love me through it, every step of the way, and God knows I’ve needed that.

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