A couple years ago, a friend called and asked if she could come over for prayer. As we were sitting on my bed, she started crying…weeping…bawling. In moments like those, rising to grab tissue may interrupt the Holy Spirit, so normally, I let the tears be wiped away, but this time, she “really” needed something more than a hand, and right next to me was a basket of clean laundry. I asked her, “Want a sock; it’s clean?” At the sound of that question, she lost it.
She began laughing hysterically and could not stop. To me, it was a normal thing. Right next to my bed is a nightstand, and in it are my clean socks. Whenever I would cry, while spending time with God, I would grab a sock. My friend was laughing so hard, and I hadn’t thought about that story for a while, until now.
On Friday night, after the performance, I was sobbing. I still don’t understand fully why no one showing up caused me to hurt so deeply. There was no stopping the tears. On the way home, I had decided NOT to start a business, NOT to dance with flags in public any longer, NOT to write on Facebook anymore, NOT to write at all, NOT to support anyone else, etc. The conclusions that were forming in my mind were NOT good at all.
I picked up Nathan (still crying) and went home (still crying), went online to post a poem that had been screaming out of my heart, and went to bed. As I was laying there, Nathan kissed me and said, “God was with you.” At moments like those, when I fall apart, I love hearing truth pour out of my kids. It’s amazing. God WAS with me and always will be. I knew that and even talked with Him throughout the performance, yet I was still in pain.
Somewhere within me, I had decided that if one person showed up, it spoke for all…that if one showed up, all loved me…that if one showed up, I meant something to all. I KNOW those are lies. I’m merely being honest. So, when no one showed up, think of how that opened an opportunity for lies to be fed. I was praying, but when I closed my eyes, it didn’t stop.
At 3:42 am, I woke to use the restroom. When I laid back down, I cried for over an hour. What did I grab, a clean sock and was reminded of that moment with my friend. I realize this was all a lesson (or lessons), and through it, I will learn and grow stronger. This final performance was a rehearsal of life.
Since then, I have rethought my friendships, where I hold them, where my hope was and is. Yesterday, so much of me wanted to isolate, but I didn’t. So much of me wanted to stay in that place of selfish depression, but I didn’t. The fact is no one showed up. The truth is all of heaven was there. Jesus is back on the throne in my heart. HE is my Friend, my Audience, my Husband, my Life, and I’m hoping that my expectation of others has died. We’ll see.
Worship Flags and Infinity Scarfs 