Early on in life, many people have dreams, set goals, achieve those goals, and, then, live their dreams into reality, but that’s not always the case for everyone. When I was little, I had dreams, but as soon as life started happening, those dreams seemed erased, forgotten, silly, impossible, but when I truly surrendered my life to God, some dreams started following me.
When I think about the last couple years, I’m wowed! Since two thousand and four, I’ve had many different “relationships” with God, but over the last two years, I’ve formed “real” ones.
I’ve made that plural because of where my mind was at different times. Loving God through a fallen mindset is different than walking with Him through freedom, and freedom seems to happen when you believe His truth over who you “think” you are.
When your identity is in Him, nothing will move you…nothing will change who you are: not your circumstances, not your outcomes, not your reflection in the mirror. All of creation waits for us to realize who we are because once we know, hell doesn’t stand a chance! If I didn’t “know” the truth of who I was this week, I would’ve given up.
Earlier in the week, I felt like I was down to my last tear; it was like I couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t go on with these “dreams” I seemed to be living. I never “asked” to dance in churches. I never “asked” to make flags. I never “asked” to encourage people through writing, but once I started living FOR GOD and not myself, things just sort of happened.
Like with the flags…up until last year, I thought dancing was bad and thought that I was bad for having a desire to move my body; I thought worship flags were for “other” people, etc., but when I encountered the fire of God through the first time using a worship flag, dreams were ignited, and after what happened this week, I’ll say it will NEVER be put out.
Everyone has great advice about me making clothes, publishing books, traveling to churches, etc., but when you barely have anything in the bank, bills past due, rent almost due, an empty tank of gas, etc., it’s really tough to keep moving through that dream. The other day, this failing feeling and quitting feeling was SO real that I didn’t even put it out there for prayer. I didn’t want to feed into it, and God intervened, regardless.
My lowest point was experienced on Monday. I won’t even go into it, but on Tuesday morning, out of the blue, from a person I haven’t heard from in forever, I received a message on Facebook that brought me to tears: the timing…the words…man, touched my soul and strengthened me.
Right after that, I received a call from Pastor Jeff about something, so he stopped by (after taking care of the goats). THAT’s when he showed up all excited about the spiritual experiences through taking care of animals; all the while, I was ready to quit.
[By the way, I KNOW he’s going to talk about them in his sermon this Sunday, so if anyone wants to go, let me know because I’m going.]
He and I have been friends for years, so simply seeing his face reminded me of the peace inside me. I told him how I’d wanted to quit but how I wasn’t going to. He prayed for me.
So, here’s how I imagine it: there was God hearing every tear drop, every word, every “feeling,” so He let me sleep and called two friends to my aide: one through Facebook and one in my driveway. I’m so loved by Him. We all are.
That night, I voiced on Periscope how close I’d been to quitting. Boy, that was an argument of will that I didn’t win!
Really quick, I was on my way home from Red Seal on Tuesday night, driving on the 805 South; when, all of a sudden, God told me to go to Sunset Cliffs and broadcast a live Periscope video. I said, “No” and THOUGHT I was going home, even drove on the left side of the freeway to avoid the 8 West but couldn’t do it, so I entered the 8 towards the cliffs.
As I was driving, I stayed to the right, so I could jump on the 163 South because I didn’t want to do this video, but when I came to THAT freeway, I couldn’t do it. I KNEW God was calling me, so I stayed on the 8 West.
Further down the way, there was the 5 South. I thought, “Perfect! I’m not going to do this; I’m tired; I’ll do it in the morning…,” but just as I neared the 5 South, I couldn’t do it and continued on the 8 West.
As I approached Sunset Cliffs, I had thoughts of ‘they’re probably closed,’ ‘it’s too cold,’ ‘I might fall,’ etc.; all of them were excuses and none of them mattered. I pulled up, parked, went to the cliffs, and poured my heart out in the dark and maybe brought some Light to people’s lives.
You know, when I was younger, I may not have had these particular dreams because I didn’t know how to make them exist: I’ve always loved to write; I’ve always loved to dance; I’ve always loved to sing; I’ve always loved the symphony; I’ve always loved to teach. Those desires have always been in me.
Every thing I’m doing was inside of me from the beginning. It’s just…without God, it’s confused…in the wrong direction…breathing darkness, instead of Light. Without love, it’s nothing.
I have a feeling, I wouldn’t be able to get away from these dreams, even if I tried. Everything that’s needed to bring them into existence is IN me. That’s why they follow ME. My dreams won’t work for anybody else, and your dreams won’t work for me.
I’m glad I’m not quitting and can’t wait to see what happens.
Oh, and by the way, yesterday, I asked a friend for a loan, so this month’s bills and next month’s rent will be paid. I have about five weeks to get this flags flying through the air. WORD OF MOUTH is my BEST source of advertisement. Help me get the word out there: Facebook, Instagram, face to face, prayer, etc.! I need all the help I can get!!