Publicly Private

I hope my website’s private.

Isn’t that a silly thing to say, but I hope it is: meaning, I hope no one I see face-to-face reads this.

With most things, I write on Facebook, before writing here, but today, I hope my website’s private.

If you’ve read previous posts, you know I just married my ex husband, after twenty two years of divorce. If you’re new, well, now you know.

I was prepared for love; God assured me of that, but I guess I wasn’t prepared for life. Right now, he’s in Texas, waiting for me to tie up loose ends here. As it turns out, marriage makes you “one,” but it’s harder to comprehend from San Diego.

Last year, I started my own business and walked away from a full time job. It’s been amazing and a struggle. Everybody told me how businesses struggle in their first year. I didn’t believe them. Well, NOW, I do because it’s been a struggle.

The truth is I’m married now, so I’m no longer struggling, yet I don’t know how to grasp that, so I’m struggling.

Orders keep coming in (slowly), so funds’re on hold or spent along the way. Last night, I realized I needed to ask for help but didn’t know how, and there lies the problem: why is it hard for me to ask my husband for money?

Is it pride?

Is it independence?

Is it being in different states?

All I know is, this morning, I finally asked, so he’s sending money, and I’m crying.

The “old” me used to manipulate people to get what I wanted, so whenever I have to ask anyone for anything, I check for that, so I’m not sure why I’m crying: do I feel less than; does it remind me of old; do I feel like a failure?

Some days, I’m better about asking questions than answering them.

If you look through my website, I write about EVERYTHING. That’s how I’m wired, but when I come across things I think should be kept private, I’m not sure what to do. [Okay, I’m rambling, now and writing regardless.]

Anyway, I’m not expecting advice or solutions or directions (unless you have them). No, I’m simply writing because that’s how I work through things with God, so look for poetry throughout the day.

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