Wanting to Be a Mother

This morning, I was remembering things from childhood, and as I remembered how I wanted to be a mother, I wept. This was around 5:30 am. I had a time in my mind to work on flags at 5:30 am, but when I wept about wanting to be a mother, a desire rose in me to write about it. I tried to ignore it, but I can’t, so flags will have to wait.

Around the age of eight, I had a Cabbage Patch doll named Katie. When I named her, I decided I wanted two kids: Kyle and Katie. My plan was to love them like I’d never been loved before. My plan was to be a good mommy, which I am now…finally. I remember sitting on the floor of my bedroom, talking to my Katie doll, speaking of the mother I would be. I love how that desire was in my heart at such a young age. The things that are birthed out of pain are beautiful.

Katie, Nathan, Carolyn, Kyle...all my kids smiling back at me!!
Katie, Nathan, Carolyn, Kyle…all my kids smiling back at me!!

A few weeks ago, at a barbecue with a family friend, I took this picture. I love being me and seeing them. I love the smiles on their faces…in their hearts. I love that, when I took this picture, they were looking at me and had the reaction to smile. The other day, I was looking at a picture of them when they were younger, and that wasn’t the case. There has been so much healing in our family. I’m so excited for our future.

I imagine our family holidays: all the laughter, smiles, catching up. That may seem unlikely in this world, but it’s expected in heaven. When you live in an atmosphere of heaven, drama doesn’t exist, backbiting doesn’t happen. If you took each of my kids, separately, and talked to them about family, love, joy, you’d be pleasantly surprised, and God gets the credit for it all!

It wasn’t always this way: Kyle used to despise me; Katie used to be bitter towards me; Carolyn and Nathan used to fight all the time. All of that has changed. We all still have our moments, but when you’re rooted in love, weeds die off and life remains.

Katie will be moving out soon, and that’s so hard for me. I feel like I’ve finally become the mommy that they’ve always wanted, yet I’m out of time to express it. I know that’s a lie, but if the tears on my face had a voice, that’s what they would be saying. I enjoy having them all under the same roof with me. I will always ponder these moments in my heart. I have such a good Daddy for giving me a million chances to get things right…to hear His voice, to follow. I’m excited for our future and our gatherings. It’s going to be good!

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