This time, for the porn convention, I was determined to go as “me,” but I wasn’t prepared for how “less than” I would feel and spent the first night crying on my bed in the hotel room.
Being reminded of who I was in the environment I used to live in was a pretty intense battle. In ministry, I find that I learn as I go. There were times when I would share my testimony with men, and in an instant, they would repent of the thoughts they had toward me and a deep respect would come over them, but that wasn’t how it happened every time.
In one instance (the only one), a man heard my testimony and spoke to me impurely, perverted, disgustingly…offering me to get back into the industry. I headed to the bathroom to cry, to declare who I am now, but the feeling of who I used to be was powerful, and my first thought was, “Of course a righteous man wouldn’t want me.” I KNOW that that was a lie, but at the time, it just seemed to make sense. Who could “really” know me and not be reminded of who I was. Anyway, it was intense.
When I arrived back at the booth, I knelt next to Janel, and she began to pray. As she was praying, I was ready to bawl but had to get it together. She must’ve prayed for five minutes. Finally, I could breathe without tears, but as the evening passed by, this feeling of unworthiness to any righteous man was upon me. It was so crazy because “I” am righteous, but it was a lie that had a very strong hold of me.
Over dinner, I spoke a little about what I was going through and learned that my testimony shouldn’t be shared with everyone. It was a good talk, but I couldn’t wait to get to my room to cry. We arrived at the hotel, but I had left my phone in the van and had to wait for valet to grab it. As I sat on the couch in the lobby, I couldn’t hold it back any longer and began to weep. Not yet! Not now! But the tears wouldn’t listen. And then a hand reached out in front of me holding my phone.
I looked up at the young man and said, “Thank you.” He said, “Are you okay?” Through tears, I said, “Yes.” He said, “Can I hug you?” I melted into his arms for a moment. It was so nice, so appreciative. I went to my room, sat on my bed, and cried in my Father’s lap. The comfort, the care, the love, the guidance He gave me was priceless, indescribable, unfathomable. Everything was going to be okay.
In the morning, I sent out my requests for prayer and received some amazing guidance. Back at the convention, the man who had made the rude offers stopped by our booth. David saw him and, immediately, rose to approach him…the exact representation of Jesus. I was protected. It was on that day that Janel captured this picture, and the moment I saw it, I wanted to cry because it shows who I am: righteous, holy, beloved, God’s bride, set apart.
Almost every time I would use my flags, a crowd would gather. It captivated people, but they didn’t know why. Sheri said that at one point, a huge crowd was forming, but someone had asked a question, so I stopped to answer, but if I had kept going, they would have flocked like they do when something nasty was happening. Isn’t that amazing! God is so good!!
Will I go back? I don’t know. Will we always have a team there? Absolutely!