I feel like no one warned me…
the getting rid of stuff,
or maybe I didn’t listen.
I’ve had some of the darkest writings in my life, swimming around in my heart. I’ve either been walking or driving or hiding, so it hasn’t come out, which may’ve been a good thing. Anyway, we’re safe in Texas, but I’m not totally sound yet.
If you want to push your marriage to the limit, try packing up an entire house, getting rid of memories over and over again, and driving sixteen hundred miles across four states, and if you DO decide to do all that, call me first: I’ve learned some crazy insight, which God’ll use someday.
On the drive here, my view was the back of Scott’s trailer, which held my entire life (or what was left of it). “Seeing” my life on the move was very thought provoking. Nathan rode with me the whole way: we laughed; we cried; we were scared by some of the weather, but all in all, we had a good time together.
When we got here, I had to run to the bank because I was notified of being overdrawn. Well, my nearest bank was in Brownsville, so Katie and I headed there and to a store and only got “lost” a couple times, which is always frustrating.
Later that evening, I went to put some stuff away in the bathroom and realized nothing of ours had “a place” yet. By this time, I was at my breaking point.
You see, the last two days in San Diego (Sunday and Monday) were two of the worst days of my life (they felt like it anyway), so on the road, much of those days passed through my mind, leaving a trail of destruction, so at that moment in the bathroom, I was done and took a bath to hide the pain.
Some women may relate to this: in the bath, you’re alone to cry as much as you want, and when you come out, hardly anyone ever notices.
After I came out, it was all the same: everything was Scott’s, and it felt like it. I was going through emotions of giving away (almost) everything I owned, even a place to live, and coming out to Texas to be a visitor. That’s how it “felt,” anyway.
Through this past week, I’ve gone through many different stages of near the pit of depression. A couple of times, I may have fallen in but was able to climb out of it.
I’ve held back from writing for different reasons. One of those reasons was that I didn’t want anyone to think I was giving up. I KNOW I’m in God’s will; I KNOW this is meant-to-be; I KNOW everything will be amazing; it’s just a matter of time.
The only thing holding me back is me.