This morning, I felt a “pause” in writing. When that happens, I no longer worry about it. I just know God’s perfect timing hasn’t come yet, or there’re still some things He wants me to communion with Him about. With what I’m about to write, I’m not particularly “thrilled” about it because it involves a lot of real feelings that I’m still feeling them, so I have my tissues nearby.
Very recently (yesterday, to be exact), I friend told me that the reason I’m alone is because I’ve set my standards too high, and from the sound of what was said, I should expect to be alone for quite awhile, unless I lower them.
I don’t understand that.
I don’t understand a lot of things, like…
relationships at twelve,
the reluctance to be righteous,
the insistence of holding onto sin as identity,
not taking a joke,
not giving a joke,
holding laughter in,
and the list goes on and on, but what I especially don’t understand is how my standards are too high.
In the past, I’ve professed my desire that my future husband be like Jesus. What’s the big deal! Followers are ALL “supposed” to be like Jesus. How has this calling been watered down and swallowed so easily? I just don’t get it, but in thinking about it (this morning), I began to cry.
Maybe I DO expect too much; maybe my standards ARE too high, but it doesn’t matter because I refuse to lower them, and in the midst of feeling a bunch of tears fill my eyes, an amber glow from the sunrise shown through the blinds and touched my arm. Immediately, I was comforted.
Before they even fell from my eyes, my tears were collected by Him. I was at perfect peace. Well, NOW they’re falling like rain, but earlier…not a drop.
So, through all of this, between yesterday and this morning, no question remains. I really DO want (and expect) my future husband to be like Jesus, not even that he lives his life perfectly but that he believes in his heart that it’s “possible” to grow in that direction. I am a FREE woman and refuse to be tied to anyone who’s not, so I’ll wait, expect, and settle for nothing less.