Today, I’m going to hide-out on my website. If you know me, you know what that means. In reality, it doesn’t make sense to hide out where the world can see you, but to me, it makes perfect sense, so here we go.
I love to write what I feel, even though what I feel isn’t Truth; I still like to write about it. Well, this’ll be more about how I feel in my marriage, but first, let me take you back in time.
Twenty two years ago, I served my husband divorce papers and vowed never to go back to him. I lived a life of drugs, alcohol, stripping, selling my body, and, eventually, ended up meeting God and falling in love with Him, and from that perfect place of love, I’d been waiting for a husband and had specific wants and desires in mind.
I’d convinced myself that my future husband’d be in shape, love the Lord, sing in church, pray over me and with me, guide our family, etc., and then, out of nowhere, I fell in love with my ex-husband, which changed everything.
Because he seemed to be opposite of everything I’d desired, it’d thrown me off guard, so I spent time in prayer about it, but the more I sought God’s heart in the matter, the more I fell in love with Scott. The next month, I purposed to him, and three days later, we got married. Sounds romantic, doesn’t it! It hasn’t played out very romantic.
Right after we got married, Scott was laid off, so our income’s been his retirement from the Navy and my business, which’s slowly picking up. Anyway, back to my feelings.
For the first four months of our marriage, he was here in Texas, and I was with the kids in San Diego. Long distance seemed to work well for us, but near the end of me, he’d come out for us, and I’d noticed everything changed.
The last two days in San Diego were some of the worst days of my life. Scott was “different,” and I didn’t know why. He was being a jerk to me (and, later, admitted to it). I left leaving San Diego feeling doomed for the rest of my life.
We got here, and depression seemed to attract all my attention. I’d been experiencing so much change: new state; new city; new house that wasn’t mine; no “space” to put anything; no friends; my kids were depressed…it was A LOT, and to to top it all off, Scott was still being “different,” so I’d shut down.
Every single word I’d say’d end up in an argument. It was so frustrating! My ideas were bad. My suggestions were bad. Any questions I asked were bad. And through it all, Scott still wanted kisses and sex and whatever else married people do, but I’d shut down, so it was so difficult for me, and I constantly felt like I was in mourning and couldn’t seem to get out of it, but as I looked at each day as it happened, it all made sense.
Let me give you some examples of contrasts we’ve been going through.
In San Diego, we’d have all the windows and doors open to feel the breeze and hear the wind. Here, it’s a world of air conditioning: too hot and humid to open anything, so you “see” the weather through glass.
In San Diego, we’d have all the blinds open to let the light pour in. Here, every shade stayed drawn.
In San Diego, we’d never watch TV and would only watch movies. Here, the TV’s always on, with commercials and everything.
These may not seem like much, but at the time, it’d all felt like being in a prison, and because Scott and I hadn’t been getting along, I didn’t have this loving-home marriage like I thought I would. Everything seemed to be “wrong,” so much so that I doubted ever hearing God about it all.
Day by day, all I saw was what drove me nuts: him playing video games; the way he ate; how much he ate; how we never talked (we’re so opposite that there’s not much to talk about); how he’d never pray over me and guide us; his weight…it was CRAZY! Somehow, my flesh was the filter I was looking through, instead of God’s Spirit. Anyway, all that changed.
Yesterday, as I was listening to a teaching from Dan Mohler, I was reminded of who I was all over again. It’s not about being loveD; it’s about BEing Love.
From the beginning, one of the things that amazed me most about my love for Scott was the fact that I’d get to BE LOVE for him for the rest of my life, but being face-to-face, somehow, I’d lost sight of that.
When you “live” with someone, all this “junk” seems to float to the surface, and you choose to either hold on to it or let it go. It seemed I’d held on to it. No wonder I couldn’t embrace the new! I was too busy holding on to what I didn’t like!
It’s not that either of us is wrong in the way we live…just different. To me, sitting around playing video games and stuff is like wasting life. To him, maybe me writing and dancing with flags is wasting life. We’re just totally different.
I mean, change HAS to happen for a marriage to work. There’ve been many instances where if I didn’t back down, we’d been in a HUGE argument, so I’d back down. He won’t. I imagine if I didn’t budge as well, we’d end up in divorce again.
Countless times, he’s voiced how he won’t ever change, and that doesn’t matter. I DO love him, and I DID marry him, so I’ll be here forever and am going to make the best of it. It’s, actually, amazing training: to not let whoever’s around you change the way you feel, the way you live, the way you are is a remarkable lesson, one I’ll carry with me through different circumstances, so I appreciate the knowing.
We “did” have a breakthrough last month of why he’d been attacking my every word, so that’s ended (thank God), and in that moment, I got to pray over him and us. Since I’ve been here, it’s been the only time we’ve prayed. It’s just not as welcomed here as I’d hoped, but it hasn’t stopped me from praying on my own.
I’ve stayed in constant contact with God, which is why I’ve been getting through things more quickly. It’s impossible for me to be ONE with Him and stay in darkness…impossible!
Now, I wish it was better for the kids, but that’ll be another open-heart-surgery writing, but I’m not there…yet.
I know this was long, so if you read it all the way through, thanks for listening. If you have any advice, it’s always appreciated.