Panic Mode

Yesterday was full of things to do: give Carolyn and Katie rides, continue with flags, straighten out the insurance stuff with the hospital, tend to my foot, etc., and often times, I expect myself to do everything, and when I don’t, I come down pretty hard on myself.

In giving the girls rides, I was expected to pick them up: Carolyn at nine at night and Katie at ten forty-five at night. Piece of cake, right?! Well, everything else in my day went pretty smoothly, but by the end of the night, I was tired and in pain.

When Nathan and I returned home from picking up Carolyn, it was time to change my bandage, so I set everything up. This time, after changing it, it hurt more than usual, so Carolyn suggested I lay down. I agreed because I had been tired and just wanted to sit up in bed and read with God. My phone was almost dead, so I left it charging in the living room.

Can you tell where this is going?

When I leave my phone in the living room to charge, I usually turn it on silent. Even when it’s next to me at night, I’ll switch it off, as to not have interrupted sleep. I think because of my ankle aching and the busy day, it didn’t take very long for me to finish reading and fall asleep.

At one fifty-four in the morning, I woke up in a panic: “KATIE!!” I had slept through picking her up. Forgetting about my ankle, I lept out of bed and ran to the living room to my phone. I had missed five calls and received a text letting me know she had taken the trolley. I felt horrible!

I called her, but, of course, she didn’t answer because it was two in the morning. I felt so bad. I stopped and payed attention to how I felt and told God, “I hate myself for not giving her a ride.” It was simple and true, and I knew it was a bad feeling.

Saying those words carried a weight I was not willing to bear. I know the importance of words and how they bless and how they curse. Thoughts alone affect how your body reacts, but when you say them aloud, it affects your soul as well, so I knew I needed to forgive myself…quickly.

I wonder how often we each go through different scenarios like this one and how we speak to ourselves. If I would continue to “hate” myself, I’m telling my immune system that “I” am the enemy, so instead of fighting off the “bacterial” enemy, my white blood cells would turn around and fight ME, and I was not about to have that!

I forgave myself, told myself, “I love you,” and asked God to forgive me. Right about that time, I heard Kyle come home. Normally, my door is shut at night, but this time, in my panic, I left it open. When I heard him come in, part of me wanted to let him know what I had done but the other part of me wanted to hide, so I hid.

As I was laying there, ignoring the voice to talk to him, I realized how the act of hiding is so intentional and so dangerous. It was like I thought I’d be unnoticeable in the physical and in the spiritual sense. It was weird and not a good feeling at all, so I fought passed it and rose to talk with him. His response was classic, “On her birthday weekend, too!” Yes, Sunday is her birthday.

I can’t say that talking with Kyle made me “feel” any better, but it DID get me out of that place of hiding. I told Kyle, “I’ve done this now with you, Katie, and Carolyn. My only hope is to change before Nathan needs rides.” He laughed…and agreed.

Katie’s house sitting, so she’s not here, but I look forward to when she wakes up, so I can tell her how much I love her. I hate these mistakes but always want to love myself through them, and sometimes, forgiving myself is the hardest part because I expect so much more, but I did forgive myself and received God’s forgiveness and will not dwell on what happened in the past.

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