Respect v. Rejection

Yesterday, for some reason, I began to think of the time when I began to “really” walk with God: with spirit, soul, AND body. Before, I’d worshiped God with spirit and soul…no problem, but to give Him my body seemed nearly impossible, until two thousand and nine.

I remember being a place where I felt I couldn’t talk about Alcohol Anonymous in church and I didn’t feel like I could talk about Jesus in AA. It was so uncomfortable to me because I wanted to talk about BOTH everywhere I went, but it just wasn’t that easy, and then I learned the truth.

In both cases, it was the kingdom of darkness intimidating me to be quiet about my victories. I had already been learning how silence was a hindrance to me, so I’d already started to share about “everything;” hence…the open-book I am, but in wanting to mix my recovery with Jesus, I found Rock Recovery and began a new journey there.

During that time, I started hanging out with the coolest people ever. They were all on fire to live for God: body, soul, and spirit. We began to live life together: hung out at Denny’s; went miniature golfing; had game nights; etc, and every time, no one asked to sleep with me, which was very hard for me.

You see, I was used to hanging out with people who wanted “something” from me or vice versa. That was the deal: you hung out and ended up in bed, but with this new group of friends, that wasn’t the case.

We’d hang out, talk about Jesus, laugh, cry, grow closer together…without ever taking our clothes off. During the first few months, I’d leave the group feeling SO rejected because I’d never known life like that, and it felt wrong. I’d sit on my bed, tears pouring down my face because no one ever wanted to sleep with me. I was so broken; I had no idea what “respect” was like.

Just remembering back is making me cry, not because I feel sorry for myself or anything like that. No, if these tears could speak, they’d say, “I can’t believe how far God has brought me, how much He’s taught me, how much He loves me.” You would never have guessed a lot about me, and that’s good: it shows my “new creation” in every area of my life.

I’m so grateful for these friends who taught me about respect without saying a word. I don’t know if I ever voiced it to them, nor if I needed to.

One time, we hung out at a Denny’s in El Cajon. As I pulled into the driveway, I regretted going there because in the same parking lot was a motel, where I’d done some pretty bad things. While sitting at the table, I lost it.

I began to cry uncontrollably. My past was, literally, so close. I’ll never forget it: they all gathered around me, laid hands on me, and prayed. We laughed the whole rest of the night. I got through it without running away. It was so good!

I believe when we give our heart to Jesus, we’re given perfect hearts. The washing of the mind with the word is convincing our minds of that freedom. I’m so grateful to be freed in a way that I will never be chained again!! My mind FINALLY agrees with my heart!

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