Today, I’m not really sure how writing’ll work out. It’s one of those times when I’m afraid of what I’m going to write about, so without thinking, here I go.

If you’re reading this, you probably know I married my ex-husband back in January, then flew back to San Diego. For four months, I fantasized about how this marriage would be, and then, in June, I finally got here for a rude awakening.

It wasn’t like I’d dreamed.

Not at all.

In my daydreaming, I’d envisioned this loving home with a mother and father, something the kids never had. I imagined the healing that’d take place in the brokenness of their hearts, but I was wrong and, actually, put them in harms way.

You see, for years, I’d had my life straightened out and was in a GOOD place: always encouraging the kids; living in joy; working through arguments; etc. It was healthy, and then I fell in love and thought that was healthy, too.

The one thing about reality is that it’s real.

What my husband does all day every day is play video games, which makes it hard when I’m trying to get the kids OFF their video games.

He never talks, especially to them. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about.

Last week, the kids went to camp, and on Friday afternoon, we picked them up. On the way there, I talked with my husband about getting to know the kids, making an effort to bond with them, and different aspects I’d been reading up on about step-parenting. He seemed to be listening, yet he didn’t really talk much. Anyway, we picked up the kids and stopped for food.

On the way to eat, I asked them questions: what was your favorite part; what was the worst part; and so on. I mean, they were gone for FOUR nights; they had A LOT to tell us.

At the fast food place, they continued. I kept asking questions; they kept opening up, while Scott just sat there. When he was done eating, he got up to grab the newspaper, sat down, and began to read through it, AS THE KIDS WERE TALKING ABOUT CAMP! To me, that could’ve been damaging to them, yet it’s the life I’ve chosen for them.

That’s just one incident. It seems like every day, there’s something else.

One night, Nathan was trying to make a basket with the paper towel balled up in his hand. When he missed, Scott hollered, “YOU SUCK” and laughed. Nathan said, “Don’t say I suck. I couldn’t even see the trash can,” and he tried again but missed, so Scott said it again and laughed.

For the most part, I’m a strong woman, but here, in this marriage, I find I’m timid about speaking these things out to Scott. When I talk to him about things, he gets SO defensive. He stands up on his high horse and says, “I thought you weren’t going to change me!”

Well, in San Diego, I didn’t realize what he was like. He hadn’t acted this way around us before, but maybe that’s because he was only visiting. Now, it feels like WE’re visiting and don’t fit into his selfish life.

I get that you don’t want to change, but if the kids and I are miserable, what am I supposed to do?

Friends have sent me books…probably on how to “fix me,” but I haven’t read them yet.

Katie hates it here.
Carolyn hates it here.
Nathan hates it here.

And so far, I’ve been told that TIME will work things out, but I’m not sure how much I’m willing to give. When you see your kids in pain and you cry every day, you tend to want to speed things up.

Anyway, there’s more (of course), but I need to go get ready because today’s the day I get to dance at church, and when I dance, everything seems possible.