To Find the Heart

The scenery on the road of my perspective has changed multiple times and will keep changing, but recently, God has revealed to me one area of my life where it has changed dramatically: the way I see men.

Even through sobriety (and my beginning years of being a “Christian” woman), I would look for men I would sleep with. I never saw their heart, only their appearance.

I’ll never forget my first AA meeting. I walked in and scanned the room to pick out who I would sleep with. That’s just the way my mind worked back then. It wasn’t until I started to really read my bible that that had changed.

See, I figured that a man would fall in love with me, if I performed well in bed. I can’t even tell you when that mindset took place; I only know I used to live there. The more “Christian” I became, the less I slept around. Even then, I looked at single men (that I was attracted to by sight) as a future husband, but now, all that has changed drastically.

When I walk around and see men, I can’t possibly imagine myself with any of them. For awhile I struggled with that, wondering if I thought I was more-than, but then I believed the truth that my standards are just super high. I only expect my future husband to be like Jesus; that’s all, and by one glance, it’d be impossible to know that; therefore, I don’t even see anyone as a husband.

I love that it’s changed. I love that no one will ever come close to me, unless God has revealed Himself THROUGH that person. Even then, that man will have to go through a bunch of friend-protection to land by my side. I feel so protected by God and friends. Last year, God told me that I was His special flower in a glass case. I love that!

I only want to be with the one whom God has trained up for me, as I am being trained up for him. I don’t just want to know people. I want to “know” them. All it takes to walk into a church is one step. What it takes to be like Jesus is much deeper than that: it’s life lived through His heart.

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