December fourth, two thousand and sixteen…a day I’ll never forget.
It was a Friday, and I’d woken up from a bad dream. If I remember correctly, I woke up crying, and it turned out to be one of the most depressing mornings I’d had, and to top it all off, I felt a cold coming on.
You see, during that time, everything was so unsure: the business, my income, our groceries, etc., and the next day, I was scheduled to have a booth at the Rock and had some mixed emotions about THAT. Anyway, it was a tough morning, but I made it through by writing.
If you visit my website, you’ll find a calendar with daily writings. I believe the fourth was some of my darkest thoughts, but by the afternoon, I felt much better, and then, Katie came in.
She said, “Mom, I have something to tell you. I’m pregnant.”
I could tell by the tone of her voice that that wasn’t good news, so I asked her what she was going to do, and she said she wanted an abortion.
The day just got worse.
I told her I’d be there for her, no matter what (which is easier said than done (by the way)) and listened to her heart.
Over the next few days, it was like a tennis match: one day, she wanted to keep the baby; the next day, she didn’t. My little grandma heart was either jumping at its highest or dripping at its lowest.
Of course, my immune system shut down. That’s why I was sick for the month of December.
My little Katie…this was so hard on her. I told her, “Katie, I know “I” had three abortions, but I didn’t have a heart. YOU have a heart! This would be hard on you.”
I spoke many things into her. I told her I’d rather talk her into keeping the baby and have her hate me than have her kill the baby and hate herself.
It was a time where every moment seemed to count…every breath was so delicate…every second of listening was planned.
I lived more intentionally than ever before. I knew, while I was around her, life would win (or so I believed), but more and more, she’d talked about an abortion. [sigh]
On the day I took her to “Planned Parenthood,” I felt helpless…powerless. I knew that prayer was my most powerful tool, but at times, it felt like emptiness.
She came out from her the clinic with the direction to wait five weeks. I was so excited! I thought, “Five more weeks to pray!”
We headed home.
At home in the living room, I knew I was in trouble; I was SO mad inside; I didn’t want to be in the same room with her and realized how loving her through an abortion would be difficult. I was distraught but kept living and loving the way I “knew,” not the way I “felt.”
And then, I fell in love with Scott…so unplanned…so God, and all of a sudden, my life had changed.
So, while my daughter was going through her depression/decision making, I was making a few plans of my own. I wondered if there was a “bigger picture” to all of it (because there normally is) and just kept following God’s lead, one step at a time.
On Monday, January eighteenth, I was taking Katie to work, while hoping things would change. She already known about my new love for her dad, and she’d been thinking about it, changing her mind about the baby, so I started asking her some things.
Soon enough, she was answering: cold; detached; adamant. She told me how the date for the abortion was set for the following Monday on the twenty-fifth. I went numb.
I listened to her heart, while crying inside. The moment we got to her work and she got out of the car was the moment my tears became a season. I started in on God.
I thought that (maybe) He was working on a “bigger picture”, and I ASSUMED a baby would be part of that picture, but I’d JUST listened to my daughter talk about the baby’s life with such hate, so I was confused and let Him know that.
Through tears, I began to remind Him how I loved Him and was doing everything I thought He was telling me to do, so why…
Then the rage set it.
As I was driving, I SCREAMED at the top of my lungs.
“WHY DIDN’T SHE (EFFING) CHANGE HER MIND, GOD?! WHY DIDN’T SHE (EFFING) CHANGER HER MIND?! GOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!” (Even writing this…tears…)
Of course, He didn’t answer, and I was left with a throbbing throat, swollen eyes, and a date set for an abortion, during a time I’d be in Texas, proposing to the man I loved.
The best way to describe it…I’d been hanging onto the end of a rope (of hope), and the moment I screamed, I let go of the rope and fell into despair, too exhausted to rise.
I was done.
The enemy’d won.
I’d given up.
I went home and put a post on Facebook about screaming at God; some assumed it was because of loneliness or the business or something else, but others knew.
Right then, a friend messaged me, saying she was praying for me. I told her how I felt like the enemy had won, how Katie’d made an appointment for an abortion. Immediately, she declared the opposite and planned a worship time for the next evening to make the sounds of heaven for Katie. It was AMAZING!
(That will be a post of its own.)
We KNEW something happened.
Up until then, Katie’d been tormented: not cleaning; not bathing much; not eating how she’d wanted to. She’d been a walking tomb, at times, and all I could do was love her and pray, but after that worship night, something changed.
It was on my birthday; Katie was on the couch and talked about not being able to help me with bills because she had a bill of her own coming up: the abortion. Right then, she said, “I misunderstood that lady at “Planned Parenthood,”” and her chin began to quiver.
I sat down by her feet at the end of the couch and caressed her. As a tear rolled down her cheek, I recognized it: it was the tear of a mother for her child.
At the clinic, she thought the lady told her to come back in five weeks, when in actuality, she had only five weeks to have the abortion…BIG difference.
It was breaking her heart.
I assured her she could keep the baby. She didn’t know it, but I’d told a small army of people to join me in warring through prayer, and so many of them offered help, but I couldn’t tell her that because she’d confided in me about being pregnant.
To Katie, she was bringing this baby into a struggling (cramped) home, and it hadn’t helped that the father of the baby had been saying horrible things to her to convince her to kill her baby.
Man, when kids are in pain…it’s a whole new level of self-control.
But this decision was going to have to be hers to make. All I could do was love her well and continue praying. It’s funny: I thought maybe God sent me to Texas to get me out of His way. Sometimes, I can stand in His way by “helping” Him.
Over the weekend of the twenty-third, God penetrated through Katie’s heart, and on the night of the twenty-fourth, I found out I was going to be a Grandma. I was so ecstatic!
The following day, Monday, the twenty-fifth, Scott and I went to get a marriage license and winded up getting married.
So, on the day Satan had planned an abortion, Heaven had witnessed vows being made. It’s such an incredible story! Well, there’s more.
Over the next few days, I’d been waiting for Katie to tell people. Her dad was first on the list, but she was afraid to tell him.
She felt like a disappointment to him: pregnant, no father, etc, but I KNEW, if she told him, he’d be supportive. I mean, he’d just taken me back as his wife. Scott’s not one to “see” the bad. He totally focuses on the good…on life.
After she told him, they were both SO excited, and finally, she could tell her siblings, and when she’d told Kyle, I found out something more.
She revealed to Kyle that, if she’d had the abortion, she’d planned to kill herself.
[It’s so hard to write this. It’s quiet. I’m in bed with the lights off. The kids’re sleeping next to me, and I’m bawling my eyes out, trying not to wake them.]
Darkness planned to take my grand-baby, my daughter, and my son because I know he wouldn’t just let his sister slip away without…
Instead, we’re celebrating so much life in our family and learning so much along the way!!
By the way, Katie knows that many people were praying for her, and she thanks every one of you!