In the beginning of my recovery through AA, I’d felt I’d finally made it “home.” Everyone accepted me, loved me, remembered my name. It was so good. I loved going to meetings and acted a certain way there, which the kids rarely saw at home.
I remember times when the kids would say, “You need a meeting,” and I’d usually leave to go to one. By the time I came back, I was in a good mood, ready to be a mom. That lasted for years, until I really surrendered to God.
Oh, up until this point, I’d been going to church. I started going to church in two thousand four, but it was all “surface cleaning,” until two thousand nine.
For that first year of church, I never read my bible at night because I was always drinking. I’d have my “God time” in the mornings. I’d never pray while I was drinking. I felt like I needed to hide it from Him. Boy, was I wrong! Anyway, in two thousand nine, everything began to change.
It was during that year that I woke up to how to love my kids well (at least one of them). For years, Katie had been suicidal, suffering from severe depression, etc., and I want to “show” her I loved her, so I planned for us to have a dinner/movie night every week. It was time blocked off for “me and her.” I’d cook her dinner…whatever she wanted, and soon, it began to work.
After a bit, I realized I’d excluded Kyle, who needed the same love showed to him, so it turned out to be a Kyle/Katie-dinner/movie night. To this day, I love cooking for them, but sometimes, time and money gets in the way of that.
Yesterday, a friend of mine gave me forty dollars to buy some food to make a good dinner for the kids. Tonight, I get my little ones, and I even think Kyle’s home from work. I’ll see what Katie’s doing. Maybe I’ll get to see all of their faces tonight. That’d be so good.
Cooking dinner and things was one of the first ways I learned to love my kids out loud. Then, it turned to game nights, and now, I’ve learned how to become love, so it’s an all-the-time thing.
When I was drinking, I felt so stuck, and even after being sober and going to church, I was still in darkness and couldn’t move (if you know what I mean), but now I know how to use the keys I hold and will shut down hell every chance I get and open up ways for the blind to see heaven and the deaf to hear truth! Life is so good and so worth living, today and every day!
It’s so interesting: the roads I’ve chosen to take. Maybe that’s why I like sharing my heart with everyone. You don’t HAVE to go down the wrong roads. It’s not a requirement or anything.
My first road was putting alcohol and men in front of my kids. Then, I put AA in front of them. After that, I put church events and worship things in front of them. It took me a long time to put my kids first, and even then, I made some decisions that hurt them, but I’m aligned with heaven now, so nothing will get in our way!!