As I was crying, I couldn’t get rid of what I wanted to write about, couldn’t push it to the side. I’d woken up with it, and evidently, the only way it’ll go away is through my fingers, so through these tears, I’ll give you my heart.

On Sunday, at the Raiders game, almost everyone was drinking (and that’s NOT an exaggeration). At the beginning of the fourth quarter, fans began to leave, but Kyle and I were determined to sit through the whole game, and others had that same determination.

A few rows down from us, there was a young woman. Earlier in the game, she stood out to me because she was standing, always on her phone, always look behind her, past me, to the top of the stairs, as if looking for someone. I didn’t pay too much attention to her because I was watching the game.

Later in the game, I saw a handsome man next to her with his arm around her. I had a quick thought of ‘that must’ve been who she was looking for’ and turned my attention back to the game.

Shortly after, she was alone again, phone to her hear, standing, looking. I just assumed the man she was with must’ve been a drinker and was always stuck in line, but during the fourth quarter, her heart revealed truth.

Because there were less people by this time, we could hear her discussion on the phone, and what I heard pulled at my heart.

“What! I bought you a ticket, and you left me here?!!” Immediately, I saw an old me.

She ended the conversation, sat down, and slumped in her seat. I began to pray. It didn’t take long for her to “get back to work,” though. Right away, she walked down to the railing, standing by other men, probably looking for a replacement date.

…anything to feel wanted.

In my past, I’ve been her. Man, everything I DID used to be to become someone else so men would want me…like really “want” me…more than a lay, more than a secret, more than a friend with benefits.

When you find your worth in sex, you feel worthless without it.

Back then, my integrity was I’d at least try to wait three days before the next sexual encounter, but I couldn’t always do that.

I will NEVER go back there. But what if someone reads this that’s still there?

The life I was leading was so counterfeit. What I thought was love was lust. What I thought was beauty was on the outside. What I thought were blessings were curses. What I thought was relationship was a joke.

The life I lead now is priceless, full of peace, unending joy, beauty. Never give yourself to become another, unless it’s to Jesus. There’re reasons why I don’t want to be touched, I don’t want to date, I don’t want to be kissed…until my wedding day. I’d rather be alone than settle for anything else.