Holding Back Means Holding In

[This one was written on Monday, July 24th. Pictures’re at the end.]

Yesterday at church, as I danced with God, amazing things went on inside of me that’ll I try to capture with words.

Some moments are SO incredibly hard to explain AFTER the moment, and at many times in my life, I’ve wished I could write in the midst of things, but writing while you’re dancing’d be a difficult one.

Today, I’m not writing as a mother; I’m not writing as a wife but writing as a woman.

Through my walk with God, I’ve gone from being a woman to being a daughter to being a woman of God, and that’s where these pieces of my heart are from.

So there I was, flag in hand, dancing, with worship reigning: from the stage and from my heart, and as I danced with my flag and watched its beauty, I was reminded, again, of how God sees ME and was overwhelmed.

I began to remember stripping on stage and selling my body…not memories of shame but memories of where I’ve been and where I was: dancing for God in the midst of heaven, and I couldn’t contain myself.

I was engulfed in His Presence, crying and laughing at the same time, and and then, all of a sudden, one of the worship leaders (Gary) began to pray and said, “Tell God that you love Him,” and I couldn’t contain myself.

From the bottom of my lungs rose out a shout, “I LOVE YOU, GOD! THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME! IF THEY ONLY KNEW WHAT YOU’VE DONE FOR ME!” (or something like that; when I’m in “that place,” I don’t always remember what cries out of my heart). Immediately, Gary turned that cry into a song. It was remarkable…and true!

If they only knew, they could rejoice WITH me.

Over the years, I’ve heard many times that I don’t need to mention where I’ve been. Why not?! Why not give God the glory by letting everyone know what He’s done for me, what He’s taught me to walk through!

I will never be silent.

After the music part of worship was over, I headed to my seat, and as I neared the back, a woman jumped from her seat with tears in her eyes and embraced me. She held me SO tight and told me, “I don’t know you, but I love you.”

As we held that embrace, I told her what God’d done for me. She held me tighter and invited me over after church. I was honored, and as I sat through the rest of church, I realized where I was “inside.”

I hadn’t even thought about the move or being married or worried about the kids. No, I was, simply, a woman but not just any woman…a woman of God. I’m not even sure I’m explaining it right, but I believe it’s a key for me. We’ll see!

And the lunch afterwards was amazing! Fellowship. Laughter. Prayer. I’m just excited to be ME, live FULLY, and love WELL!

One thought on “Holding Back Means Holding In

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