Holding Back Means Holding In

[This one was written on Monday, July 24th. Pictures’re at the end.]

Yesterday at church, as I danced with God, amazing things went on inside of me that’ll I try to capture with words.

Some moments are SO incredibly hard to explain AFTER the moment, and at many times in my life, I’ve wished I could write in the midst of things, but writing while you’re dancing’d be a difficult one.

Today, I’m not writing as a mother; I’m not writing as a wife but writing as a woman.

Through my walk with God, I’ve gone from being a woman to being a daughter to being a woman of God, and that’s where these pieces of my heart are from.

So there I was, flag in hand, dancing, with worship reigning: from the stage and from my heart, and as I danced with my flag and watched its beauty, I was reminded, again, of how God sees ME and was overwhelmed.

I began to remember stripping on stage and selling my body…not memories of shame but memories of where I’ve been and where I was: dancing for God in the midst of heaven, and I couldn’t contain myself.

I was engulfed in His Presence, crying and laughing at the same time, and and then, all of a sudden, one of the worship leaders (Gary) began to pray and said, “Tell God that you love Him,” and I couldn’t contain myself.

From the bottom of my lungs rose out a shout, “I LOVE YOU, GOD! THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME! IF THEY ONLY KNEW WHAT YOU’VE DONE FOR ME!” (or something like that; when I’m in “that place,” I don’t always remember what cries out of my heart). Immediately, Gary turned that cry into a song. It was remarkable…and true!

If they only knew, they could rejoice WITH me.

Over the years, I’ve heard many times that I don’t need to mention where I’ve been. Why not?! Why not give God the glory by letting everyone know what He’s done for me, what He’s taught me to walk through!

I will never be silent.

After the music part of worship was over, I headed to my seat, and as I neared the back, a woman jumped from her seat with tears in her eyes and embraced me. She held me SO tight and told me, “I don’t know you, but I love you.”

As we held that embrace, I told her what God’d done for me. She held me tighter and invited me over after church. I was honored, and as I sat through the rest of church, I realized where I was “inside.”

I hadn’t even thought about the move or being married or worried about the kids. No, I was, simply, a woman but not just any woman…a woman of God. I’m not even sure I’m explaining it right, but I believe it’s a key for me. We’ll see!

And the lunch afterwards was amazing! Fellowship. Laughter. Prayer. I’m just excited to be ME, live FULLY, and love WELL!

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